so

So ..
I went to see Rent last night . Yes, the musical .
For those of you who are completely oblivious,
or go to a different school ( as if ),
Hoshi has been selling tickets .

So ..
It was delightful . Absolutely breathtaking .
Better than I had expected, even .
It was the best musical I have ever seen
( not to mention the only musical I have ever seen ) .

So ..
A majority of the lyrics = story of my life .
One song, glory = true love .
No, not with Roger .

Oh and yeah, I missed a few holidays .

So ..
Happy birthday to Jason on the first,
and to Shannon on the nineteenth .
Siblings ! Yay .
I sort of skipped right over Easter, too .

Rent = * Tear *
with a capital T .

Bazooka .

last year's rent .. and this year's indecision

" [ He ] replied with the dirtiest look he could muster .
His heart drummed madly inside him,
but his brain was oddly cool and clear . "
~ HP 5, 610~

The trouble with letting it all out,
is that with every insightful truth,
it becomes harder to trick yourself .

You cannot know that you are doing so !
You can't say, " Oh I'm madly in love with you,
but it's just fine if I never get to see you again . "

" ' You've just spent too much time running away,
to realize what you may be running toward . '
' What am I supposed to do now ? '
' Whatever comes next . ' "
~ LOST ~

A guy can only take so much .
After some time of doing the same thing,
it starts to get a little old .

" If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you've always gotten . "
~ Tony Robbins ~

Something tells me I should,
I need to, change a bit .

" Train yourself to let go
of everything you fear to lose . "
~ Yoda ~

a little late for this .. and a little early for that

" Because Of You "
~ Ne-Yo ~

" Want to, but I can’t help it
I love the way it feels,
It’s got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real
I need it when I want it, I want it when I don’t
Tell myself I’ll stop everyday, knowin’ that I won't

" I got a problem and I don’t know what to do about it
Even if I did, I don’t know if I would quit but I doubt it
I’m taken by the thought of it, and I know this much is true
Baby, you have become my addiction, I’m so strung out on you
I can barely move but I like it

" And it’s all because of you [3X]
And it’s all because…
Never get enough,
She’s the sweetest drug

" Think of it every second
I can't get nothing done,
Only concern is the next time, I’m gonna get me some
Know I should stay away from, cause it's no good for me
I try and try but my obsession wont let me leave

" I got a problem and I don’t know what to do about it
Even if I did, I don’t know if I would quit but I doubt it
I’m taken by the thought of it, and I know this much is true
Baby, you have become my addiction, I’m so strung out on you
I can barely move but I like it

" And it’s all because of you (all because of you) [3X]
And it’s all because…
Never get enough,
She’s the sweetest drug

" Ain’t no doubt, so strung out [2X]
Over you, over you, over you

" Because of you,
And it’s all because of you,
Never get enough
She’s the sweetest drug, she’s the sweetest drug "

for all that you lived for, you now cannot live up to

" Sick and Tired, Again "
by Siesta Lingo
[ started yesterday ]

Sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick
Sick sick sick sick sick sick sick
I'm sick sick sick sick sick of being the one who
can never let loose, who can never have fun .
I'm sick sick sick sick sick of not achieving that
elation I have for the longest time needed .
Frustration ! Due to long-awaited negation .
I know I know I know the great aggravation
you feel when anger goes beyond agitation .
I'm tired of rhyming, I'm tired of trying,
I'm tired of not being able to fight it .
It's wrying ! The lying, the crying, the dying
that happens inside when each purpose is vying
another . I'm done searching for underlying
enlightenment, done hoping for revelation .
For now I know hope is insatiable weakness,
that lives eating your soul for lunch on the weekends .
It thrives by consuming your heart's inner thinkings,
and lets you down by undermining your speakings .
It's drinking and drinking, salvation is shrinking,
the shore is afar and your ship slowly sinking .
It's weakening, knowing survival is looking
slim, doubtful, not the slightest bit reassuring .
Impossible, doubtable, simply improba-
ble, doubting yourself, second-guessing your options .
There's nothing . You doubt there will ever be any-
thing, wondering how many times you can dwell on
your failure, and quadruplication of doubt, and
you're trailing behind since you kicked yourself out of
your mind . And your senses, according to census,
are guilty as charged, of asserting the senseless .
Commenceless, I struggle for might, but it's endless .
The finish is taunting you off in the distance .
It's whispering, wisping, suspiciously listen-
ing, this loss you feel that descends you to grievance .
You're constantly changing your point-of-view, waiting .
With bated breath, someone's awaiting your babies .
A shift in the context, you're feeling inflamed, then
degraded, as if you've lost all animation .
A drift in the contest, forgetting your name is
a pity, and ready to say something witty,
it hits you . And you only wish you could give up .
For all that you lived for, you now cannot live up
to . Ready ? Yes, it has to finish already .
My strength is depleting, ideas defeating
my last designation of lost concentration .
I'm done . And exhausted at that, wanting desper-
ately to fall asleep, to succumb to dreams, and
to relax dormantly, befriend my subconscious .
I'm sick !

the one fish in miles and miles of ocean

( Meaningless Rhapsody : Part 1 )
" Scribbles on a Napkin "
by Siesta Lingo

[ I wrote this months ago ..
but never really felt it was worth posting ]

I've been through lots of things .
I've been through wishing I could go where the birds sing,
wishing I could fly away, wishing for wings
that could take me high, way up above the trees .
But please, watch out for grumpy bumblebees .
Don't tease, you might get an allergic reaction
and sneeze, and wheeze, and fall and break your knees .
What then ?

I've been through lots of emotions .
I've tried to understand a few thousand notions,
tried to think, tried to keep my mind in motion,
tried to find the one fish in miles and miles of ocean .

I've been through lots of songs .
Each one sounds great, but there is something wrong,
something missing . I tried to put it all in words,
but there is something forgotten that I know you deserved
all along . And still here I am, playing ping-pong
with my opinions . You know I've been playing too long,
and are you winning ? Can't tell, decent scoring's long gone .
What now ?

Let's take it slow .
Let's talk about it, take our time,
but first think how everything could be sublime,
with me you know it all could be perfectly fine .
Let's see, consider your wants, and factor in mine .
Two plus two is four, and carry the one .
The clock is ticking, just look at the time .

Another second, I'm wondering what's on your mind .
Another minute, I'm seeing you for who you are .
Another hour, I smile for no reason at all,
except the power of every little meaningless call .
Another day, I'm thinking maybe you are the one,
or maybe her, or maybe someone that I don't even know .
Another week, I wish I'd never second-guessed you .
We could be the best of friends, I could have kissed you .

Maybe not, but something pretty close to that .
We could be holding hands, just goes to show you that
every second counts . So most importantly,
stop, think about where you're at,
and don't hesitate to step up to bat
and swing .

afterward we'll continue to spin you through other insensitive venues

" Some Thing in the Back of My Throat "
by Siesta Lingo

[ written with a Seussian rhyme scheme :
^ ' ^ ^ ' ^ ^ ' ^ ^ ' ^
( ^ = unstressed; ' = stressed ) ]

There's
some thing in the back of my throat, it's been fester-
ing, pestering, besting me at what's been wrote . I've
a stammer, and rapidly worsening grammar .
An anvil is smashing the wood of a hammer .
It's sickening, thickening, with itself bicker-
ing . Yes, it's disgusting, the feeling I get when
there's nothing else here that can comfort me . Yet when
I write, even though it may make little sense, there's
a remedy hiding within the essence of
these rhymes . And they're meaningless, meaning while reading
it, not quite the same is put into effect as
right now .. to me .. from when I begin to
the end, they continually flow off my pen ..
It's time to give imagination a rest, when
you're failing at each of your very own tests ..
It's difficult, when given such little freedom,
to say what you want, and to say what you need . Um,
a filler . The use of a word as a pillar,
to take up space, or utilize a time-killer .
Pain-killer, that's what I need, something to filter
the build-up, demoted to wilt the discomfort .
I'm slipping, I'm constantly right on the verge ..
of tripping over myself, falling head first . Take
a break, catch your breath, afterward we'll continue
to spin you through other insensitive venues .
And then you will see what it's like to be hat3d,
not just feel that way, but know deep down you're fading
away .. away .. You're fading away ..
from everything she says . Each time she displays her
affection, you go through each word in your head . At
her mention, you wonder it's something you said . In
frustration, you remind yourself of the fact that
you're thinking of her still, when you had a pact of
the one thing you promised you'd not do again . Now
you wish you had nev3r imagined her .. in
your bed .. A fine place to stop, when your words ..
are losing their touch, and the rhythm is lacking
.. Frankly, I find it incredibly wacky,
the fact that a poem out of hat3 for a sickness,
could end up a d|2ug that would sate your addiction .
I'm done .

[ Pwnage . ]

realism : is it in you ?

There, I updated the collection . Phew .

~~~~~

I am an agnostic, but I am not apathetic .
In fact, I am quite the opposite ..
more like, pathetic I guess .

It's all about the realism .
Tundra calls it, " a concern for fact or reality
and rejection of the impractical and visionary, "
or " an artistic representation of reality as it is . "

Realism is the key to feeling good about yourself,
which of course in turn leads to happyness .

~~~~~

Numbers have genders too .
2, 6, 8, and 9 are female .
1, 3, 4, 5, 7, and 0 are male .

~~~~~

" Be faithful to that which exists within yourself . "
~ Andre Gide ~

Her name starts with M, and I love her .

Oh yeah, quite an escape that was .
Tears by the fourth song .
I feel so proud of myself .

So it seems that official really doesn't mean anything,
for either of us .

~~~~~

" Stress : what happens when your gut says no
and your mouth says ' of course, I'd be glad to . ' "
~ anonymous ~

It is so mystically remarkable, how certain songs can stir up
specific emotions deep inside .. reminding you of precisely
how you had felt some day long ago, reminding you of how much
you had wanted to cry .. and now, for the first time
in a long time, give you that luxury .

~~~~~

I have become so caught up on the ending of my blog,
I lost track of the fact that my birthday occurs before that .

What do I want ?
What does it matter ...
I won't get it, anyway .

~~~~~

" You say you don’t wanna hurt me
Don't wanna see my tears
So why are you still standing here,
Just watching me drown ?

" And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don’t worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There’s nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

" Now you can drag out the heartache
Or baby you can make it quick
Really, get it over with and just let me move on
Don’t concern yourself with this mess you left for me
I can clean it up, you see, just as long as you’re gone "

~ Leave the Pieces ( The Wreckers ) - Michelle Branch ~

breaking down the religious world in terms of logic

[ Part Three of a Series on Rabies
( written with the assumption that
you have already read the first two ) ]

I am not a theologist, per se .
Check that . In English,
I am hardly a theologist .

I am a psychologist ( or at least I don't mind calling myself that ..
I like psychology, and I study it ..
in my mind, that is enough to qualify as one ) .

Religion, though, is a large part of the human psyche .
As they say, religion is the opiate of the masses .
Oh, how much that saying rings true .
Religion is basically a d|2ug for the ego ..
that, to my knowledge, is its main purpose;
or at least it was its primary intent, in both senses .
And since psychology ( as the name implies, naturally )
studies the psyche, religion goes along with that
close in hand .

Hence, I discuss religion through unbiased ( heh ) agnostic eyes .
I might make up some of my own terms, to make for more clear explanation .
There may already be words for these things, but I prefer to use my own
since they are pure, free of input from other opposers,
and their meanings are much more straightforward .

The entire world of religion can essentially be broken down into two categories : gnosticism and agnosticism . I am aware that gnosticism, when capitalized, has a totally different meaning .. but for my purposes, it is not the same . Redundant, I know .
Gnostic, according to its roots, literally means ' knowing ' . Hence a gnostic is someone who believes they know the meaning of life, or are at least fairly sure of themselves .
Agnostic, on the other hand, literally means ' not knowing ' ( a- gnostic, ' a- ' meaning ' not ' ) . Simple enough terms, I think . An agnostic is someone who accepts that they do not know the meaning of life, or are at least fairly sure they don't . Not necessarily that they cannot find out .. just that they don't know as of now .
Then of course there are the more apathetic people who just sit on the fence their whole lives talking about the weather . But only the two extremes really count .
A gnostic is just an agnostic in denial . It is even spelled the same .. a gnostic .
Sorry if the similar spellings make for a dose of confusion .

The gnostic, the ' knowing ', the believers, can be further separated into two groups : theism and atheism .
According to Shrapnel ( whom I agree with in this case ), " theism is the belief in the existence of one or more gods or deities . "
Atheism, as I am sure you can work out for yourself, and probably have by now, or much longer ago, is just the opposite .
Notice that an atheist is still a gnostic . If you believe there is no God, you are still making a wild assumption that you really couldn't prove no matter how much ' evidence ' you claim to have .

I repeat : a gnostic is just an agnostic in denial . Where is your reason in this faith, theists ? Just because everyone else believes it, you think you should jump on the bandwagon too ?
Tell me .. if I wrote a book about how the world began, and made up characters and places off the top of my head, would you believe me ? NO ??
Then why should you believe in some random philosophy a few guys thought up some thousands of years ago ? Yeah . Huhh ! What do you say to that ?
Lawl . How immature . Well, if my thoughts are significant enough to be published professionally, I will certainly edit them . But in the meantime, I do not really care about my tone so much .

And atheists, what is your deal ? Do you just feel the need to rebel against the world ? Do it somehow else . Do it in a sensible way, why don't you ?

I am sure that if we all had an agnostic mentality, we could get on a whole lot better and save a lot of precious time and bickering .

Religion, within its core, is merely a rationalization for dea7h, and the afterlife .. one of the few things that we truly know nothing about . And that bothers people . They can't handle the fact that there is actually something they can't control .
But please folks, let this be the one thing in your life ( or out of it ) that you are passive about . Don't feel that you have to do something to supplement yourself, your own knowledge and capacity .. although it may feel you are being passive when you succumb to God .
Sure, you can study religion . You can wonder about it . But don't fall victim to its faith . It can consume you ! I am sorry, but it is my nature to want to warn people about the dangers in life . I have been through enough of them myself .. I don't want anyone else to have to experience unnecessary defeat .

Be strong when you stand alone, and you can be strong with anyone .
I don't know what will happen after I die . And as long as I am human, I will not know . But I like to think there is something there .
Could there be a Heaven and a He11 and a God who created everything ? Of course, it is possible .. though extremely improbable . I am not trying to prove anyone wrong .. just immature .
Really, what is the point of wondering about it ?
Shikata ga nai . Que sera, sera .
What ever is waiting on the other side, I will find out when the time comes .

I get by on the trust that there is some point to all of this madness known as life . It cannot just stop, and give way to nothingness .
And even if there is nothing .. I am sure it will be fine .
Because the closest I have been to feeling nothing, felt good .
And so long as it feels good, it doesn't matter if nothing happens .

The hardest part about letting go of your fears, is having to accept they really exist . And human nature makes it hard for us to accept dea7h .. hence everyone is dea7hly afraid of it .

... so long as it feels good, it doesn't matter if nothing happens ...
I like to call this realization love .

I find delight in turning your words around

While I am at it, I may as well take note
of what ever else it is Fortune's Cookie has to say .

" You are artistic and others can relate to you . "
} Well, that is what I would have hoped for .

" Be assertive and you will win . "
} HA !! Sorry Cookie, but I already tried that . It didn't work any better than anything else I attempted either .

" You take criticism as an opportunity to grow . "
} Guau, you sure know me here . Criticism is my middle name ! Err .. well, I don't mean it in that way . But please, if you don't like me, say so . Though at the same time, I would like it if you at least tried to like me .. if that isn't too much trouble .

~~~~~

I have learned that feeling sorry for myself doesn't do me any good .
It is much better to deceive myself into thinking that I matter .

" life without her is never the same. you lose all those crazy moments that ironically kept you sane in this world. without her, you lose all desire to laugh & smile because it'd just remind you of her. "
~ A ~

I find delight in turning your words around .

~~~~~

Leaving off on a good note ( or two .. it's all good ) :

" Any troubles you may have will pass very shortly . "

" Today will be lucky and memorable for you . "

Who's counting, anyway ?

Hockey ought to be fun . grrrr

usually something of a joke

[ Part Two of a Series on Rabies
( written with the assumption that
you have already read the first one ) ]

I digress . Back to Fortune's Cookie, with the claim that :
" An upward movement initiated in time can counteract fate . "
That is some surprisingly advanced vocabulary for a cookie .
These fortunes, as I have said before, are usually something of a joke .

Moving up is a good way to move . It is excellent in comparison to moving down . But if your immediate fate is to move down, I am sure Fate will have no trouble sending a metaphorical hurricane or some other sudden gust of wind to blow you out of control .

I realize I constantly change my mind about what I claim to believe, and so they are not really beliefs so much as speculations . But that is a good thing .. It is better for me to try my best to follow the theories that make the most sense, than to stick with one that really doesn't make much sense at all compared to others, and to be indignant at any sort of change whatsoever .

Currently, I theorize that there are two basic types of fate for every person : immediate fate and ultimate fate . Your immediate fate is what God, or Destiny, or whatever you like to call the Forces you believe in, has destined to happen to you on a relatively short-term basis . Your ultimate fate is what ultimately, as the name implies, is to happen to you in the end . ( Redundant, I know . ) Dea7h, of course, is implicit . But what happens right before or after your dea7h is also included .

I believe, only sensibly, in ultimate fate . So often do our lives all intertwine, I do not think everyone's immediate fate could be accomplished at the same time, considering that we can make our own choices most of the time .

Most of the time ? Yes . Sometimes we cannot . Whenever we cannot control our own actions and decisions, I blame that on Fate . Fate controls your impulses, your nerves, and those little moments when you space out from attention and your mind just sort of goes blank . This is Fate correcting the time difference among all the separate lives .. so that they can even out in the end when their ultimate fates are set in motion . Or .. more like, set out of motion .. as they have already been moving along your whole life without your knowledge .

To conclude the point, and cover the loosely self-applied prompt :
An upward movement initiated in time
can make you feel better about yourself .
And if you feel good about yourself,
nothing else matters .. not even Fate .
For Fate only defines the events that occur to us .
It is up to ourselves how we interpret them .

a realistic viewpoint of the world

[ Part One of a Series on Random Belief Speculation ( Rabies ) ]

" An upward movement initiated in time can counteract fate . "
~ Fortune's Cookie ~

Usually I brush off these meaningless fortunes,
take them lightly, don't think much about them;
but when they mention fate,
it is hard to not feel I have to reply .

I try my best to have a realistic viewpoint of the world . This, naturally, does not include religion . ( I'll get further into that later . ) However, I do believe that there must be some higher Power, some way to explain what we, as much as you might like to think we do, have no way to explain by ourselves . So I come to the concept of Fate . No, I don't believe that Fate controls every single aspect of our lives . Determinism ? That's not sensible . Instead :

I theorize that everyone is born with equal genes . Every bad gene is made up for somehow, in one way or another, with a good gene . The way we develop these genes, though, these innate powers, is up to us . The way we grow up determines our future . So in a sense, all people are equal . But it would be foolish to say that everyone is equal now, or at any point in our lives .

Speaking of genes .. I remember, this topic came up in a seminar in English, but I did not get a chance to expand on it . We were discussing Antigone and the importance of loyalty to family . A load of cod's wallop, that is . Essentially, all family is ( in my eyes ) is basically just your default friends . People you can go to when everyone else turns their back on you, and who are forced - a bit harsh, I suppose - required - to take you in and comfort you, at least until you become an adu17 yourself . ( If I am mistaken, please, correct me . I would absolutely hat3 to be wrong . But I do not think I have lied yet . ) But you don't necessarily have to like your family, and you might not want to . After all, people are different . Not everyone gets along, it is a fact of life . And as far as I know, personality is not determined by your genes . So ( although it is probably not likely, since your family should primarily be the people raising you and teaching you how to live your life ) you might end up having a completely different personality than the rest of your family, and not want to spend time with them so much . And that's perfectly fine .. as long as everyone is happy with it .

It is not like some people appear to think, that loyalty to family is an innate responsibility, and that if you betray your family it is practically a sin . Family is not to friends as square is to rectangle . I think I have made it clear enough . I do not mean to diss my family or anyone else's .. I just think you shouldn't be forced to hang out with people who make you miserable, if that be the case .

my heart ? oh don't worry, it hasn't worked for ages

Luck .

That lamp hasn't been working for ages ...
It just sits on the floor unattended .
I am truly surprised it was even still plugged in .

The light bulb d1ed long ago .
I tried twisting it, then gave up
and didn't bother replacing it .

Yesterday .. the seventeenth ..
I go into my room, and there on the floor
where it always has been
is my trusty old lamp,
in proper working condition .

April 17th .

~~~~~

Miss M .

One day apart .
I never knew that .. guau .
What are the chances ?

April 18th .

~~~~~

Letters .

In your mind, do the letters of the alphabet
each have a gender ?
Or is that just me and my crazy little world ?

Interestingly enough,
I see very little of them as grrls .
B, K, P, Q, R, and S are female ..
the other twenty are male .

Sorry .. that's just how I see it .

~~~~~

Letters .

I wonder where they all have gone .

Did you keep them ?
Are they safe and sound ?
Did you burn them within days ?
Did you throw them away ?
Do you carry them around ?
Did you eat them in a craze ?

It's a possibility .
But mainly it just rhymed .

( Interesting connections, I say . )

Frankly, I'm glad to be rid of them .
And to think, for a moment I considered ..
well not really . never mind .

[ Oh, one more thing . ]

~~~~~

Miss A .

You copied me .. you copycat .
Of course she deserves it .

I said that already .
I would have gone on,
but I din't want to sound sta1kerish ...

A special, specciall day !!
( And yet another . )

as if you didn't get enough last time, of redundancy

( I think I like this format .
It is an easy way to let out what all is on my mind,
without confusing you quite so much . )

Gilgamesh .

If you can't pass the comprehension quiz,
then you probably didn't really read the book .

Sure, you ran your eyes over the pages .
But that doesn't necessarily qualify as reading .

~~~~~

Miss A .

" I can usually get through pretty much anything,
until I think about her smile . And I miss it .
I probably won't ever see that smile again . "
~ Smashed ~

Stop wearing green !!
It just makes you that much cuter ...

~~~~~

Miss X .

Happy birthday !!
Sincerely .
You were born on the seventeenth,
you deserve a lot of credit .

I know you don't especially like that name ..
but you needed a letter, and it fits .

Your smile is intoxicating .

Oops .

~~~~~

Names .

I have nicknames for most of my friends .
Whether it be clever, or merely a letter, it's all good .
You may or may not know your own ..
the rest you'll have to figure out for yourself .

~~~~~

Poetry .

I try to hide, to mask this indecision
It's possibly improbable to say
If no one has impractically envisioned
If nothing has a chance to stay the same

Oops .
Clues are fun . Ha .

select your topic of choice, redundancy

Gilgamesh .

I have a theory, that every problem you will ever have .. is in this book .
Therefore by contrapositive, if it is not in this book, it is not a real problem .

I find it amusing how this book has no real climax .
I suppose it is not really long enough in itself ...
It just sort of tells one story after another,
each one somehow being connected to the preceding and the following .
I got : Part I as the exposition, Part II as the rising action,
Part III as the falling action, and Part IV as the resolution .
Basically .. that's what I got .

This is quite possibly my new favorite book, if it classifies .

~~~~~

Miss A .

I find it tragic, the lengths I need to go to
in order to stop myself from doing what I want to do .
Why can't we all just be friends ?
I feel like I am distancing myself .

And I should have expected it,
that as soon as I come back to face the real world,
I see her face, I hear her voice,
and although I try my best to push it out of my thoughts,
I like it .

Now I finally see what you mean by discomfort .
A different kind of discomfort,
the kind where your face brings me to be terribly sick to my stomach,
where it pains me to say your name .

~~~~~

Dreams .

A few days ago, I reached the 100 mark
in recording my dreams the day after I have them .

My recall is now significantly more accurate,
and I have at least a fragment of a dream,
about every other day .

I would post them here,
but they are not all exactly G-rated .

~~~~~

Names .

G .. you can't be Yunique .
I have already taken that .
Just so you know .

And it sounds ghey, anyway .

~~~~~

Poetry .

What is this world I have created for myself ?

What is this place I have imagined,
where everything I do,
although I know how wrong it is,
seems right ?

What is this illusion I have dreamt up,
where good and bad are merged,
where the lines at the edges of reality and fantasy
blur,
and everything turns a disheartening shade of grey,
spotted with flashes of crimson .

" But who am I to talk ? He sighed as if
Disgusted with himself; I did as he
Commanded me to do . I spoke to them "
~ Gilgamesh, p. 77 ~
( See what I said ? )

What is this world we all have created for ourselves ?

What is this place we have imagined,
where everything we do,
although we know how wrong it is,
seems right ?

What is this illusion we have dreamt up,
where good and bad are merged,
where the lines at the edges of reality and fantasy
blur,
and everything turns a daunting shade of gray,
spotted with flashes of burgundy .

~~~~~

There's redundancy for you .

I don't give hints .

all the songs that I've sung you more often than you know

" On And On " by Longpigs

All the songs that I've sung you
More often than you know
You're the love that I've clung to
More often than I've let it show

And I wish you would leave me
And I wish you would go
And I wish you didn't need me
And I wish I didn't love you so

'Cos I just can't go on
So please don't do me wrong
No I won't do you harm
My love for you goes on and on

There's no one else I want beside you
Give me your coldest shoulder to cry upon
You're never anywhere I find you
You're never anything I rely upon

And I wish you would leave me
And I wish you would go
And I wish you didn't need me
And I wish I didn't know
That I just can't go on
So please don't do me wrong
No I won't do you harm
My love for you goes on and on
No I just can't go on
So please don't do me wrong
No I won't do you harm

My love.....
goes on and on and on and on and on and on on and on and on
and on and on and on on and on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on and on.

[ I have never even heard the song,
so don't blame me if you download it
and it sounds absolutely horrid .
A waste of a post, I know .
But when I stumbled upon these lyrics,
although they are not particularly plentiful,
I could not help but feel the affinity . ]

( Source )

my pain is that my eyes and ears no longer see and hear the same as yours do

I must admit, Enkidu's last words were impressive .
Touching .. brought tears to my heart .
Before you rush to go grab your book and read them again,
I have reproduced them here in regular prose :

( I would love to post every best portion of this book,
everything that relates to my very deepest core,
but there is just so much I favor .
I would not want to start another Ultima rampage . )

"Everything had life to me," he heard Enkidu murmur, "the sky, the storm, the earth, water, wandering, the moon and its three children, salt, even my hand had life. It's gone. It's gone. I have seen death as a total stranger sees another person's world, or as a freak sees whom the gods created when they were drunk on too much wine and had a contest to show off the greatness of the harm that they could do, creating a man who had no balls or a woman without a womb, a crippled or deliberately maimed child or old age itself, blind eyes, trembling hands contorted in continual pain, a starving dog too weak to eat, a doe caught in a trap wincing for help, or death. The contest rules the one who makes the greatest wretchedness wins. For all of these can never fit into the perfect state they made when they were sober. These are the things I have witnessed as a man and weep for now for they will have no witness if friends die. I see them so alone and helpless, who will be kind to them?"

He looked at Gilgamesh, and said: "You will be left alone, unable to understand in a world where nothing lives anymore as you thought it did. Nothing like yourself, everything like dead clay before the river makes the plants burst out along its beds, dead and..." He became bitter in his tone again: "Because of her. She made me see things as a man, and a man sees dea7h in things. That is what it is to be a man. You'll know when you have lost the strength to see the way you once did. You'll be alone and wander looking for that life that's gone or some eternal life you have to find." He drew closer to his friend's face. "My pain is that my eyes and ears no longer see and hear the same as yours do. Your eyes have changed. You are crying. You never cried before. It's not like you. Why am I to die, you to wander on alone? Is that the way it is with friends?"

~ Gilgamesh, pp. 48-50 ~

Talk about foreshadowing there in the end .

My favorite part : "Because of her..." At what other point in the book
do you see any italicization ? That's what I thought .

I don't know about you, but I have found that I appreciate
a writing more when I write it out myself . It forces me to
read it more slowly, and to comprehend every word
individually .. the way anything is meant to be read .

Normally when I find a writing I like, I will praise the author .
In this case, though, I am not really sure who the author is .
I suppose I will assume that most of the style is thanks
to Herbert Mason . Thank you, Herbert Mason .
I absolutely adore this book !!
Usually I save the exclamation points for when I am angry,
but this is better .

My only real complaint is that he sometimes lets his sentences
run on for quite the while .
Oh, and it sort of annoys me how he left out
all of the quotation marks .
That makes it get just a little bit confusing sometimes .

the method of floccinaucinihilipilification by which I have come to recognize your peculiarity

I do not look forward to the load of homework
I have left for myself to bite into today ...

But just the fact that I woke up
five hours earlier than I did yesterday
has already made my day that much brighter .

I got sidetracked and failed to mention this at the time :
that Who Moved My Cheese ? was written with the intention
of persuading people to look at thing in a more simpler sense .
I agree with Mr . Spencer that this is often an excellent way
to make life easier to understand .
But dumbing things down does not always work out for the better .
If we want to make any real significant progress in life,
we should be expected to use our brains, to think ! And we must .
Sometimes the best way to see the simplicity in life,
is to analyze it in ridiculous detail until you have
squozen every intricate detail out of its entity
and are only left with the essence of what it really means .

Oww, and I haven't updated the collection in a while now !!
It's too much, I tell you ... I can hardly handle it .

I did not realize what a horrid life I led, until I resolved to stop leading it .

I sincerely hope you are not merely dismissing my words, in the method of floccinaucinihilipilification by which I have come to recognize your peculiarity .

A random thought, I know ... Mostly I just wanted a chance to use such a magnificently long word .

a few old verses, followed by some new ones

[ This is how a man totally loses and finds himself again,
all at once in the duration of a few short hours .
Sorry if it seems really familiar .. ]

Is there a reason every time I see her face,
I lose interest in everything else,
including the one sense of dignity keeping me alive ?

Why does the slightest mention of her name
give me shivers, and tip over my heart,
to allow all these tears to spill out ?

Why is it no matter how many words I use,
nothing can express the extent of my doubled regret ?

Do you ever just .. hat3 the world ?
Like, actually hat3 it, with a passion ..
to the point where it makes you cry,
and yell and scream inside,
and bite your lips, all at the same time ?

I'm sorry that I feel this way .
I never stop saying that to myself, day after day ...
I don't know what to say or do about myself ..
except I am sorry that I feel this way .
I don't know what to tell her ..
I don't know how to live my life ..
All I know is I am sorry that I feel this way .

All I ever do is convince myself
of whatever false hope it is that keeps me
from distancing myself from the rest of the world .

~~~~~

A little redesign for Friday the 13th, of course .
I was hoping to have done it earlier,
but I only woke up a few hours ago . D:

It fits, how the moment I take away the heart in the corner,
and it feels so empty there, so dark and spooky,
today is right around the corner .

This doesn't mean I won't keep my promise .
If you ever come crying to me, I'll try .

I feel almost as if I am cheating myself,
with one excuse for a post after another,
never truly getting anywhere .
But inside I feel I have gotten somewhere .
And it's the thought that counts, right ?

Yay .

~~~~~

" O Captain ! my Captain !
our fearful trip is done ...
The ship was weather'd every rack,
the prize we sought is won ...
But O heart ! heart ! heart !
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead ...

" The ship is anchor'd safe and sound,
its voyage closed and done .
From fearful trip the victor ship
comes in with object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells !
But I with mournful tread,
walk the deck my Captain lies,
fallen cold and dead . "

~ Walt Whitman ~

( This is what happens when you clean your room .
I have the tendency to feel I have
to go through every single paper .. )

Don't worry .
I'll post something meaningful one of these days .

officially over .

Now, I imagine a world in which I can actually have you .

Everything is suddenly complicated .
Nothing feels the same .
Something about this state just makes it all uncomfortable .
Amazing . HA ! I laugh at myself .
This means I have finally accomplished my goal .
My goal of dissolving every worthwhile illusion from the unattainable .
My goal of making the whole thing seem a waste of my time .
My goal of having the power to deceive myself .

Coincidence ? You could call it that .
Complicated ? Of course .
Speaking of which, I like your song .

Good-bye .

" For now, let him sleep .
For in dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own .
Let them swim in the deepest ocean,
or glide in the highest cloud . "
~ Prof . Dumbledore, movie HP 3 ~

a few more words my hands have wrenched from my heart

It bothers me how there aren't really a whole lot of words available to describe those people who work with the arts . " Artist " ought to be a general term, but when you call someone an artist, people generally think only of painters and drawers and the sort . Drawers ... You mean like in a desk or a dresser ? What kind of a lame term is that .. ? And what should I call myself ? A writer, perhaps ? Much too simple . Yet an author is thought of as someone who writes novels ... I am more of a poet usually . But poetry is not all I do . All of these terms are too broad, too general ... One word can rarely depict with accuracy what comprises an artist's work . Then again, I suppose that is half the beauty of language . Sometimes using a multitude of words when a few could easily convey the same point, adds to the capability of comprehension and makes the entire concept more enjoyable in itself . Sure, it would be easier to understand if there were more concise terms for workers of the arts . But why not, if you are verbose routinely, express your routines in a verbose manner ? As I have just done, or begun to do at least, I suppose .

~~~~~

It's powerful because it's true .

All I know is,
if it weren't for this little obsession of mine,
I would not have written nearly as much or as often as I have .
So maybe, through thick and thin,
it truly is for the best .

Just think about that .
In addition to the fact that everything I do
only brings you that much closer to him .

~~~~~

I marvel at the sight of fire .
My eyes follow without hesitation
the jumping sparks of flame through the air .
I bask in the soothing smell of smoke .
Is that a bad sign ?

directed unto R .

" Thou canst not die by traitors' hands,
Unless thou bring'st them with thee . "
~ JC, V.i.56-57 ~

Soo .. a whole year gone by .
That is quite the achievement .
How does it make you feel ?

I am going to be honest with you now . I really don't like you . I am sick of pretending we are still friends . I don't know what you think, but your face brings flames to my eyes . Just stop, please . Stop trying . Just go away, leave me alone . Don't let me keep any of these existing binds, these connections to a twisted fate . Oh, I'll bet I sound hypocritical . I don't care . We got along just fine before, but the transpiration of certain obvious events has quickly changed that . I hope certain other things will do their changing in turn .

And to you, Miss A :
When I read your words I feel like forgetting about being deep, like no longer caring at all . Apathy can be a magical thing sometimes ...
Thank you for the impudence .

Happy now ?

I think I have put myself in over my head .
You get sick of this after a while .

reminiscence is a fun word ...

" They say that history repeats itself . Well, I feel like my life is repeating itself, just in a slightly different way . Geoffrey said I should just try to forget about her . I agree that it would probably make everything easier for everyone . And .. I'm trying . But it's hard . I don't know what to do anymore . Nothing seems to make any sense . I've talked to Geoffrey and Yunique, but no one is able to help me .
I am lost, and I desperately need to find myself . I don't know if I should forget about her, or if so, how . I don't know how Marian feels about anyone . I don't want to waste my time striving for the impossible, but I don't want to pass up what would have been a chance . As of now, I am not talking to Marian or Reilly . I don't know if it will help anything, but it's worth a try . I could use some time alone to think things over . Besides, I don't see how talking to them could solve anything . I don't want to complicate things . And I don't want to make things worse . "

~ excerpt from Episode 5 : the circle of love . ~

Okay, I'll tell you what .
I will post a whole lot this month,
to make up for last April .
Sound good ? Great .

the briefest glimpse of a singular glimmer of identity

" You can't help who you love . "
~ LOST ~
Simple as that .

I cried over you again, and of course I am not afraid to admit it . I am tired of apologizing . I am tired of writing the same things, day after day . I am tired of going nowhere . I know I love you . But I am tired of having to say it . A part of me, deep inside of my soul, sincerely wonders whether I do it for the right reasons . And now I will reveal what I cannot deny I have been thinking for a while now, yet what I have pushed out of my mind, have refused to accept, because I was afraid that I would hat3 myself if I found it to be true . I was afraid . But now I hat3 myself with a passion anyhow, so I shall consider this point of view . I deeply wish I didn't love you quite so much . I hang on still these days, after everything .. simply because I have gotten so used to it . I exploit these emotions for the bettering of my writing, for the fleeting moments of enlightenment they dare to bare upon me . You are so unbelievably perfect, I cannot even imagine being with you . Having thought it over, I decided I would not take advantage of another chance . In a way, I like this state you put me in . I like to be able to cry silently, privately, and to have no one there to notice me . Nothing makes logical sense anymore, so I have no idea what to believe . I am so tired of trying, it feels wonderful to give up, at least when there is nothing there still to remind me of you . I do not want you to give me another chance . I want you to want this dearly . Realistically, I am tired of being the one who works for what he wants, only to be shot down repeatedly and to augment his own greatest fear, that he doesn't really want it as much as he had convinced himself he did . Realistically, I want you to make the choices this time . I want you to decide my fate, and I want you to experience the power that I never could handle in the constant company of your hauntingly beautiful face . I want to place all of this in your hands, this great burden, this great responsibility . As much as I at the same time want to go on writing in such exaggeration as if the apocalypse were right around the corner, I know I should want to be at peace for once with my imagination . And I know I should want to be able to let this strength go . But there are some things you just cannot control . And no matter how hard you try to grasp each newfound concept, they simply somehow always find a way to surprise you . It seems like an internal conflict should be the easiest sort of one to solve, that you should know your own mind better than anyone else's, that the path to follow should be straight and paved when there are really no other obstacles to hinder your trials . But there is some mysterious way about the heart, in how it can when you least expect it bring your personal journey, your search for the briefest glimpse of a singular glimmer of identity, completely full circle .

" You can't help who you love . "
~ LOST ~
Simple as that .

I have learned in the very hardest manner that these things happen gradually . And I hope you will remember that every word you say is precisely what I was just thinking it would be a decent idea for you to say to me . A connection this strong is not imagined, it is created by the mind . It is not temporary, it is permanent . It will not go away quickly, for it is designed to stay . So I hope you will remember that these things happen gradually .

[ See how much more naturally these things come out when I write it out on paper beforehand ? ]

your considerably disgruntled antonym

Lately my memory has failed me so much and so often,
I would not be surprised if I forget even how to spell my own name .
It has happened before ...
I need a release . I need a break, a vacation .
A trip somewhere far away from home, from reality .
" I think I'll go to Boston ... " I do .
I just, in the very least, need some way to know for a change
what it is I really need in the first place .

" Everything is changing,
you're looking for the [Agno]cure [xP] ...
Trouble in your head now,
don't know what to do .
Feels like up is down and red is blue ...
Now you're getting older,
nothing feels the same .
You can't even makes sense of your own name . "
~ Red is Blue - Ben Folds ~

Give me a break . I'm in over my head, obviously .
Too bad I never did anything about it before ...

Sshh, help me .
Oh gahd, I can never think up anything brilliant
anymore these days .. because of this frikin-ay
nerve-wracking time limit that certainly
does nothing to help my already fragilely
border-line maniacal state . For the love of Gahd !
Help me out of this pit she has dug for me ...
As they are filling it in as we speak, soon enough
it will be simply a pit no longer, but will
turn into a grave for this anyhow-wasted life of mine .
My grammar ? Faulty, I know .
You try falling in love with your considerably disgruntled antonym,
and then show me how your grammar works out for you .

So I was mistaken .
But I cannot simply ignore these thoughts .
" Who has to know the way she feels inside ?
Those thoughts I can't deny ?
These sleeping dogs won't lie !
And all I've tried to hide is eating me apart .. "
~ Dirty Little Secret - AAR ~

The thoughts of you constantly remind me
of how my time as a figment of sanity
is ticking away, ticking away, ticking away ...

the one you aren't ashamed to cry for

Only two more days ..
Are you more excited for Easter,
or for what happens the day after tomorrow ?
Hmm .. ? Answer me that, Miss A .
A for antonymous .. guau .

Planning anything big ?
Or anything at all ?

Here is an .. erm,
Easter poem :

I have finally developed an answer
to the question that has mercifully rankled in my heart and soul,
and which probably never even crossed your mind ...
Who is Bella ?
Bella is the perfect grrl .
She is the one you never saw coming .
She is the one you would never dream to see leave .
She is the one you can't forget .
She is the one of whom your subconscious reminds you .
She is the one you aren't ashamed to cry for .
She is the one who makes you feel like someone .
She is the one who gives you reason to live .
She is the one you constantly wonder about .
She is the one you feel entirely sure about .
She is the one who makes you second-guess yourself .
She is the one who completes you .
She is the one who holds your missing piece .
She is the one you can't have, because
she is the one you took for granted in the first place .
She is the one who completely shifts your thinking .
She is the one who gives you butterflies,
not just in your stomach, but in your mind,
in your heart, in your conscience ... Quite simply,
she is the one .

4 : 1138 .. Bella, of course

And I have taken your advice .
I don't care what anyone thinks or knows anymore;
I can't lose you .

" I [didn't] want the world to see me,
'cause I [didn't] think that they'd understand ..
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am . "
~ Goo Goo Dolls ~

" I'm two quarters and a heart down,
and I don't want to forget how your voice sounds .
These words are all I have, so I'll write them;
so you need them just to get by . "
~ Fall Out Boy ~

" I'm lost without you .. I can't help myself ..
How does it feel, to know that I love you ? "
~ Robin Thicke ~

I can only attain it from you

something's missing ?

Oh, don't give me that .

I feel like that constantly .
And I know that, whatever it is I am missing,
I can only attain it from you .

" For too long I've been parched of thirst and unable to quench it .
Too long I've been starving to dea7h and haven't died .
I feel nothing .
Not the wind on my face, nor the spray of the sea,
nor the warmth of a woman's flesh . "
~ Barbossa, Pirates I ~

" For the longest time, I've been writing about you ...
Bet you didn't know that, but here just now,
I catch myself staring at you and reading you in disbelief,
and afraid to tell anyone lest they pinch me,
and I can't deny this egocentric eccentricity - so indulge me, please -
that if you were conjured from poems I've been writing for years ..
then it's nothing at all for me to wait a bit longer .
I'll do what I have to do . Wait, yes . "
~ Cupcake Man ~

And how fascinating,
that the words he posted yesterday
are virtually the exact same words
I was thinking yesterday .

ever wondered what goes through my head ?

[ i put no thought into this whatsoever ..
except nothing but thought .
lol, how ironic . i didn't edit it i mean,
or plan it out at all ]

( setting : april 3rd . 9:48 pm )
i am strong enough ..
i am strong enough ..
i am strong enough
i am strong enough
NO .. i am stronger than strong !!
i am a tiger .
tiger
tigerrrrr
bite my dust
damnit ..
stop changing the tab you !!
accept it
she isn't there
she wouldn't care anyway
hells no
tigers don't give up
wtf .. what kind of reverse psychology is this
the urrge
it kills me
hold it in keep it in
contain it
containment
damn homework .. don't remind me
you're a tiger .
she means nothing
she is just another grrl
just another lioness
look for someone more your species
OMG i did it again
maybe i should do homework ..
no even that doesn't work
nothing can keep my mind offf
awayy away !!
the hardest thing is to forget .
it is easy to remember
i've got that down pat
forget .. forget .. forgettt it
forgotten . she's forgotten
oh yes . of course
she is in the past
i am over her already
i was over her a long time ago
frikin ay .. i never truly liked her to begin with
shizzz i DID !!
i can't even convince myself
for one second ..
once second
okay let's go
you can do this
one second
that's all it takes
and then i'll be happy
.. but how do you tell ?
how do you tell if you aren't thinking about her,
if you aren't thinking about her ?
i'm sure there have already been many secondes without her
but they are overwhelmed immediately
it's like sleepy dreamming
you don't remember sleeping
just falling asleep and waking up
falling .. asleep .. and waking up
from this nightmare
" will i lose my dignity ?
will someone care ? "
~ will i ? ~
okay . from now on every time
you click that button
hurt yourself
hurt youselff
okay
sitting
waiting
not much going through my head
that mouse is looking really rather friendly
freindly
mmmm
touch it
touch it
click it
she's there
she has something to tell you
NO !! wth is that gibberish
i don't know what you're talking about
who's there ? who what ?
what's that you say ?
i never met her in my life
what an odd name anyhow
NO you did it
you loooser !!
hurt yourself now
hurt youselff
damnn .. how suicidal of me
hey . you know what ?
close the window .
close it okay
Xx .. x . x . click the x
X ! there . you did it
for the love of gahd, you did it
you should feel good about yourself
( the next day )
feel good about myself ..
screw that
how long is this going to go on ?
i'm not sure .
i'm sure i'll find a stopping point somewhere
Ouch .. hurt myself again
all right
that's enough
this is sillly
horrible .. horible !!
but it all means nothing compared to the pain
i feel for you today
gahd i'm so repetitititive
oucH !
you're such an idiot, you know that
you should feel bad about yourslef
BAD !! soo bad
bad bad bad bababadddd
you know what ? eat me
i don't care
shi
shiiii
i can't
breathe
okay
i'm done
good night .. or
whatever time of day this is
just
good bye .
NO
good bah . what
what
wth am i thinkingg
this was stupid as welll
i promise
i prommise i will
what ? will what ?
will . i just will
hakuna matatata ta ta

something bigger to worry about

" Why are we continuing to play this little game,
when we all know it has moved to the next level ? "
~ Mikhail from LOST ~

April fools !!!
Sorry if I didn't clear that part up .
And my blog continues ...

It didn't come off as well as I would have wanted it to ...
But don't worry .. you still have 49 more posts to go .

But now I am behind ..
I need to catch up grrr

Speaking of catching up,
happy belated Pi Day
and Saint Patrick's Day
( my favorite holiday of them all .. but not this year ),
and happy belated birthdays
to Sam and Carter .. and my mom .

Reviving these old links, because Blogger
got jsut a little bit re7arded when they reverted to beta .

Here are those nine posts whose links ( which used to show perfectly )
got lost somewhere along the line .
The links have now been returned safely to their owners .
I have listed them here, just in case you were wondering
( and for my own records as well ..
err, mainly for my own records actually ) .

Long Time, No See
Mothers' Day
Tri-Quest Victory
Epic 2015
N : The Way of the Ninja
He11, Michigan
MySp4c3 V1rus
Spad4ssin Webmasters
One-Legged DDR

" I made a decision right then that I had to do something,
because this secret was burning inside me . "
~ from Dale King's story ~

The good thing about this mentality is that
at least I will always have something bigger to worry about .
And what a mentality it is ..
it has definitely at times brought me somewhere very near to mental ...

the last you will hear of me ?

Something brilliant has just occurred ..
A revelation has suddenly transpired ..

And I finally realize that my feelings have deceived me,
that my true love lies in the hands of someone else ...

And with that,
I have decided to cut off my blog prematurely .

This surely is the last you will hear of me now .

I apologize for everything I have put you through,
if it amounts to anything at all .

Hakuna matata xD

finding salvation in repose unaltered

" live each day to the fullest; cliche but TRUE. you never know if your best friend or brother or sister or other half will be there tomorrow. or even YOU. dont wait 'til its too late to make things right. dont wait 'til its too late to say what you need to say. dont wait 'til its too late to show how much you love that person. dont wait 'til its too late to hang on tighter to whats slipping away.
life is too short...you cant hold back on anything cuz you never know when things will just disappear before your eyes. so GO. go and say that thing you've been holding back to say. go and do what you've been thinking about doing for the longest time. just GO. have no regrets. "

~ ram ~

I find irony in the fact that you say I should do what all this time you have been urging me to stay away from ... I know it wasn't meant for me, but my imagination leads me to wonder whether I should listen too ...

Is this not what I have been trying to tell you ?
Is this not what you have refused to hear from me ?
Is this not the purpose I have used for my actions ?
Is this not the subtext I have hidden behind my words ?
Has this not been my philosophy for seventeen months ?
The philosophy you never wanted to allow me to follow ?
The philosophy you attempted to dissuade me from believing ?
Is this not the mindset that has made me so passionate ?
Has it not given me a new sense of identity that I would otherwise not have achieved ?
Is this not the last chance I saw for fulfilling my dreams ?
Is this not my gateway for opportunity, which I never seem to be able to cross ?
Is this not the reason, when I find myself writing about you once again,
I am reminded only of all the pain you have put me through,
and I am driven, for the umpteenth time, to have nothing to do but sit and sulk ?
I am driven to feel so insignificant, that all I can do is cry ?
I am driven to the desire to cry, which is only augmented by the fact
that I cannot entice these tears to make my cheeks their waterways,
no matter how hard I will it to occur ?
Is this not what I have been wanting to explain,
but which I only find increasingly inexplicable ?
Are these not the thoughts that have festered always in the back of my mind,
but which I could not incite to carry any comprehensible meaning ?
Have you not expressed what I truly feel, deep down inside my heart ?
Yet do you not deny that it could ever contain even the littlest bit of truth, in my case ?
At least have the decency to admit it .

" I cannot accept that she never loved me,
until she accepts that I ever loved her . "
~ Correspondence ~