the briefest glimpse of a singular glimmer of identity

" You can't help who you love . "
~ LOST ~
Simple as that .

I cried over you again, and of course I am not afraid to admit it . I am tired of apologizing . I am tired of writing the same things, day after day . I am tired of going nowhere . I know I love you . But I am tired of having to say it . A part of me, deep inside of my soul, sincerely wonders whether I do it for the right reasons . And now I will reveal what I cannot deny I have been thinking for a while now, yet what I have pushed out of my mind, have refused to accept, because I was afraid that I would hat3 myself if I found it to be true . I was afraid . But now I hat3 myself with a passion anyhow, so I shall consider this point of view . I deeply wish I didn't love you quite so much . I hang on still these days, after everything .. simply because I have gotten so used to it . I exploit these emotions for the bettering of my writing, for the fleeting moments of enlightenment they dare to bare upon me . You are so unbelievably perfect, I cannot even imagine being with you . Having thought it over, I decided I would not take advantage of another chance . In a way, I like this state you put me in . I like to be able to cry silently, privately, and to have no one there to notice me . Nothing makes logical sense anymore, so I have no idea what to believe . I am so tired of trying, it feels wonderful to give up, at least when there is nothing there still to remind me of you . I do not want you to give me another chance . I want you to want this dearly . Realistically, I am tired of being the one who works for what he wants, only to be shot down repeatedly and to augment his own greatest fear, that he doesn't really want it as much as he had convinced himself he did . Realistically, I want you to make the choices this time . I want you to decide my fate, and I want you to experience the power that I never could handle in the constant company of your hauntingly beautiful face . I want to place all of this in your hands, this great burden, this great responsibility . As much as I at the same time want to go on writing in such exaggeration as if the apocalypse were right around the corner, I know I should want to be at peace for once with my imagination . And I know I should want to be able to let this strength go . But there are some things you just cannot control . And no matter how hard you try to grasp each newfound concept, they simply somehow always find a way to surprise you . It seems like an internal conflict should be the easiest sort of one to solve, that you should know your own mind better than anyone else's, that the path to follow should be straight and paved when there are really no other obstacles to hinder your trials . But there is some mysterious way about the heart, in how it can when you least expect it bring your personal journey, your search for the briefest glimpse of a singular glimmer of identity, completely full circle .

" You can't help who you love . "
~ LOST ~
Simple as that .

I have learned in the very hardest manner that these things happen gradually . And I hope you will remember that every word you say is precisely what I was just thinking it would be a decent idea for you to say to me . A connection this strong is not imagined, it is created by the mind . It is not temporary, it is permanent . It will not go away quickly, for it is designed to stay . So I hope you will remember that these things happen gradually .

[ See how much more naturally these things come out when I write it out on paper beforehand ? ]