tried and true, and tricksy

Why do you trick me, Sir Destiny ?
Why do you mess with my mind ?
Why do you insist on getting your way ?
Why do you persist to instill in my heart,
this unspeakable nonentity commonly known as Love ?
How do you break through my defenses ?
How do you live up to wearing me down ?
How do you always manage to find some way ?
How do you emerge victorious, leaving me sitting alone,
hopeless and helpless, and not seem to feel the tiniest pang of guilt ?
How do you repeatedly unleash this torment, inexorably without end ?
How do you bear to live with yourself ?
Why do you give me such a hard time ?
Why do you choose me, of all other people,
on whom to thrust your experimental extenuation of emotion ?
Where is your pride ?
Where is your dignity ?
Where is your purpose ?
Where is your logical reasoning ?
Where is your conscience ?
Where are your humane methods of communication ?
I have never been quite so humiliated by silence .

I cried last night .
And it is about time too .

" Giving up doesn't always mean that you are weak .
It can mean that you are strong enough to let go . "
~ anonymous ~

there's something in these words i missed before i failed you

Where is that life I once truly believed I had ?
Where is that purpose I once held so close to me ?
Where is that confidence I seem to have lost ?
Where is that question I wanted to answer ?
Where is that security I once took for granted ?
Where is that reason I once knew for sure was justified ?
Where is that sense of identity I didn't have to keep an eye on ?
Where is that goal I once strived to achieve ?
Where is that rhythm I could once keep in tact ?
Where is that balance I once could sustain ?
Where is that character I could always count on ?
Where is that boy I knew, who was justly afraid of others ?

Who is this personage now, who is dea7hly afraid of himself ?

" Have I ever given you reason not to trust me ? "
~ Captain Jack Sparrow ~

I have said it once, and I will say it again ..
My greatest fear is that I will finally get what I have always wanted,
and will realize I really don't want it anymore .
Well, at least now I can be sure I won't have to face that feeling .
I'll count on it .

the end is near .

thank gahd .

asfjdkl;

I don't know where I am going in life from now on .. but you will hear no more from me anymore if I can help it . I said what I had to say and hopefully that will be enough . It seems I have fulfilled my purpose .

You still don't believe me .. so I guess I do have to deal with it without you .

When words are misinterpreted, the rhythm of life upsets, and nothing ever feels quite good enough . You can be sure that you will never be quite the same again .

Discomfort ? Do you really even know the meaning of what you say ? Oh, if you only knew how terrible discomfort can truly be ..

Seventeen months, in my opinion, is certainly enough .

I meant well .
I wish I could say I wouldn't change anything,
or at least convince myself otherwise .
But I can't .

I suppose I will be more careful in my choice of words from now on ..

I regret that we could not be synonymous .
Thank you for agreeing .

Don't change .
Please .

Good luck on your one-year .

a continuation of random rants on the world, recovered from a few months or so ago

[ These rants have not been modified, unless very slightly, from their original conditions on paper . That way, you can appreciate ( or depreciate ) the full effect . Although I have tried to stay away from posting my strongest, most private, most personal emotions, I figure I can post these now without getting in too much trouble . ]

They have taken away my freedom . They have taken away my opportunity, my gateway for change .

Here's the way I see it . Fate is dealing me one cr4ppy hand after another, so that my life can be bomb digity in the future . Writing is my main priority . The best writing comes out in the moment . So, I have to allow myself to succumb to these powerful emotions, in order to get out quality work, a true representation of my rainstorm of a life, for the greater good . And this gets me really caught up on my feelings, so that I focus way too much on them . But once I get through this, past this, I will come out of it with pro skills in writing and the best life lessons ever learned . If I stop the writing, which by the way I have a natural talent for, then my life will essentially amount to nothing .

The way I see it, the only real difference between love and infatuation is whether she likes you back .

I've just begun to get tired of dealing, with .. people . No one ever cares, and I have come to accept that . I've become almost apathetic . What's the point in trying anymore ? It is about time I learned to think only of myself, to live for no one else but me . My work, my writing, is the most important aspect of my life right now . My heart has only served to mislead me, to waste my time . Here comes my antisocial phase . Brace yourself . As if anyone cares .. INCLUDING MYSELF .

WHY ?! WHY !? Why does all the bad have to come all at once ? Why does the pressure build up, bringing me to my breaking point ? Why does everything have to turn soo cr4ppy, now ?!? Finals week . STRESS galore . ILLNESS aplenty . Everyone on my case ! And yet no one really cares ... And SHE had to come back into my thoughts again ! Into my mind, into my dreams ... And yes, I know I could hold all this in if I wanted to . But I am not ! And you want to know why ? Do you care ? NO . Because it feels good . It feels good to succumb, to lose control, to erupt, to feel much more POWERFUL than every one else, than all the rest of the world . And it feels EVEN better, to cry .

TO CRY . To let the tears
take over, to let the emotions
roll, softly, smoothly, slowly,
down your cheeks .
And to feel REFRESHED .
>8b..

" These tears find stubborn homes within the broken fragments of my heart . "
~ Correspondence ~

the way psychology sometimes works in reverse

I never knew something so simple, could be so difficult .
I never knew it could take so long, to do what I know is right .
I never knew the truth could be so hard to express .
I never knew one person could have such an impact on me,
especially when I probably created half of my own drama .
I never knew silence could overpower communication .
Do you see what I mean ?
Do you understand what I am trying to do ?
Do you really see why this is all so important ?
I don't want this to end badly again .
I would hat3 for you to misunderstand me at this point .
This pain has become unbearable .
Please, try to help to make this work .
Try to want this as much as I do .
Try to trust me; try to let me trust you .
Try to do what we both know is right .
My memory has overpowered me .
My emotion is beginning to waste away .
I am afraid of what I will turn into .
I am fading away from reality .
I am losing touch with the world .
I have begun to forget what it feels like to know who I am .
My identity is fragile; its theft has proven inevitable .
Please, aid me in this time of need .
I would be a fool to say I want you,
but I would be lying if I said I didn't need you .
What do you expect me to do ?
What do you want from me ?
Should I change who I am, simply because he has made a mistake ?
I shouldn't have to .
Should I find a new course in life, simply because I have met a de4d end ?
I shouldn't think so .
Should I pass up this opportunity, when it is my very last chance ?
I shouldn't dare to .
Should I change my mind, even though it is my heart what is hurting me ?
I shouldn't consider it .
Should I keep from you this secret, when I know I must reveal the truth ?
I won't lie to you .
I have never felt so strongly about anything in my life .
I have never felt this urge so badly .
I have never had such an impediment to explaining what it means .
It means everything .
That is the closest I can get to accuracy .
I can only suppose that you will not want to believe me .
This is the closest I can get to trying to persuade you otherwise .
This is the closest I have been, to discovering who I ought to be .
Yet I am my farthest from discovering who I desire to become .
The most powerful emotions are those that cannot be described .
The most notwithstanding love is that which is ever forb1dden .
The more they tell me to stop, the more I want to keep going .
It's a funny thing, the way psychology sometimes works in reverse .

" Anyone who tries to find the thing
that makes him happy, is no coward . "
~ Reba ~

dios . me pongo enfermo a veces .. jaja

I will do my best to make these last 57 posts
something to be remembered ...

" Exploration makes one wiser;
even if the only wisdom gained
is to know where not to return . "
~ Tommy Dewar ~

Here comes my obsession with numbers again ..
That is, certain particular numbers, mostly .

I ended my first year 33 posts after 143,
and now I am 33 posts after 200 .
Can you guess when I will finish it all ?
Well, you are wrong .

200 minus 143 is 57 .
143 is not prime .
It is 11 times 13 .
It is also less than three .

Just another discovery ..
17 is hidden within 233 !!
2+ 1(7) (33) = 233
Try it for yourself .
I always knew it was in there somewhere ..
Coincidence ? I think not .
Creepy though ...

So I just like to ramble sometimes ..
Is there anything wrong with that ?
If there is, I don't see it .
If nothing else, all it is is good practice .

Ah yes, it is Carter's first birthday today .
He turned one years old at 4:12 this morning .
I can't wait to see him on Sunday,
at his very own party, all growed up !!
Gahd . I make myself sick sometimes .. haha

This being post number 233,
my 233rd post ( that way is uglier ),
you might have expected it
to be, at least partially, about Chewy .

Well, you guessed wrong .
Except I actually did end up mentioning her in this way ..
So I am not sure if that really counts or not .

it echoes in the hollows of my barren heart, so empty

" Missing You "
by Ghostbust
( approx . 4:00 without pauses;
written yesterday )

Every time we talk there's something missing
Every time you pass me by I listen
For something in the tone of your voice
To give me strength, but all I find is weakness
Every time I see your face I feel it
Memories come back, so reminiscent
There's something in the way they rush
And flood my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my wishes
Somehow I know I will never forget you
I realize you wouldn't say the same
I anticipate the day you'll say you love me again
But I know one day I'll notice it never came
Then I'll convince myself it's on its way

Every time we talk there's something missing
Every time you pass me by I listen
It took me a while but finally
I recognize the truth : I'm missing you

Every time I talk to you you're missing
Every time I pass you by I listen
For something in the silent air
To give me strength, but all I feel is lonely
Every time I see you in the distance
Memories come back, so reminiscent
There's something in the way I rush
To flood your thoughts, in my imagination
Somehow I know I will never get you
I realize you hardly know my name
I anticipate the day you'll say you love me for once
Because without it I will live my whole life in shame

Every time I call your name it echoes
In the hollows of my barren heart, so empty
I anticipate the day we can be friends again
I'll spend my whole life playing the waiting game

I anticipate the day you'll say you love me
Though I know one day I'll notice it never came
Then I'll convince myself it's on its way
I'll spend my whole life waiting

the many faces of an espion extraordinaire

( or, my imagination at work for once )

I thought I would give you the luxury of the release of the general ideas behind the connotations of my multiple personalities . Phew ..

Ghostbust is my pseudonym, only when writing songs ...

Siesta Lingo is my pseudonym, when writing poetry and drawing ...

Don't ask why .
Seriously .. haha .. don't .

Avery Jordan is a shadowy character ... Until recently, even I did not know his last name . He lived some 200 years ago, and scattered records ( comprised mostly of private correspondence ) hold that he played a secret yet crucial role in the unfolding of history .

Sam Nitemar is the " spy " who utilizes disguises on an everyday basis, either for some important mission or for no apparent reason whatsoever . He claims that all of these aliases are his, but refuses to reveal his true name .

Nacho Verde is just a joke name . I use it in Spanish, by some sequence of events .. but I do not plan on basing a character off of him .

Bobo never lived to see his parents . He has always been an orphan, as his father was k1lled in WWIII and his mother d1ed in childbirth . He has lived a hard, cold life .. yet profound to say the least . His surname is irrelevant, but rumor has it he is destined to save the world . Truth be told, he has a whole lot in common with myself .

I hope that clears a few things up, clarifies a bit .. that is, if you have even read any of my earlier posts in the first place and have any idea what I am talking about .

The secrets are in the names .
But I would be a fool to tell you any more than that ...

the form of bizarre, yet oddly effectual metaphors

[ essentially, started on the 13th night of March ..
[ although I read the book quite a while before that ]

I read Who Moved My Cheese ? by Spencer Johnson, M.D. ..
It was good, but at times it seemed to have no point . It felt like I was reading not a story, but an overview . It was as if it was ( guau ? ) a review of what I already know, have already learned . The book in itself though, was an amazing little tidbit . Of course I recommend . An hour read ? Maybe . Two for me ..

Thus, it is now ( about ) time to analyze it ..
Seeing as how, although being how small it is, the book somehow tends to repeat itself about a hundred thousand times throughout its course, leaving me little room to look further .. I will leave you to read it for yourself .
Instead : the quotes provided by the cheesy delicacies etched inside . ( Lol .. no other book of which I know finds such a way as this to be profound, yet at the same time laughable .. )

" Having cheese makes you happy . "
This is basically establishing the rules of the game . A nice thought to remember, in case you forget exactly what the relationship is between happiness and cheese . A sorry, half-witted attempt at sarcasm .

" The more important your cheese is to you, the more you want to hold on to it . "
Now, this one is a little bit more to think about . I wonder if it could work the other way around ? The more you want to hold on to your cheese, the more important it is to you ? Logically speaking, not necessarily . A conditional statement is not equivalent to its converse . But proverbially speaking, well you can pretty much do whatever you want with proverbs . So yes .. the next time you wonder how important your cheesy really is to you, consider how much you want to hold on to her .. it .. whatever . It worked for me, at least .

" If you do not change, you can become extinct . "
Gasp ! Like the dinosaurs ... Now, you wouldn't want that to happen, would you ? Let's change, people !! That is, after all, what this book is all about .. in case I failed to mention that piece of information beforehand . As I have said before ( err .. in person at least ... I guess not on my blog yet, although I plan on it ), change excites me ! And I do not see why it should not you .

" What would you do if you weren't afraid ? "
Honestly, this one is my very most favorite . It . works . for . anything ! Whenever you have a problem, just stop and think to yourself, ' what would I do if I weren't afraid ? ' and there you are . A solution comes to your mind . " Lightning has just struck my brain . " ~ Smee from Hook ~ Sooner than you expected it, you are carefree again . And somehow slightly less afraid .

" Smell the cheese often, so you know when it is getting old . "
Hahha, here is our good friend humor again, hard at work . But just as well, my dear, it is something to think about, to ponder over . Do not ever let your cheese get old, because then it will have to be thrown out . And then you will not be happy :[

" Movement in a new direction helps you find new cheese . "
Clever, once again . " Choose any direction, as long as it is moving forward . " You can't move backward ( although backwards is, technically, a ' new direction ' ) and expect to find something you haven't seen before . I do not believe a new direction is always necessary .. just a direction at all, when you have otherwise taken a break from using one .

" When you move beyond your fear, you feel free . "
Oh boy . Fairly straightforward, I think ... I perhaps need to work on getting past my own fears . I will, eventually .. And for you as well . Oh, how I would love to be free again !!

" Imagining myself enjoying new cheese, even before I find it, leads me to it . "
Why the point of view suddenly changed from second to first person, I haven't the slightest idea . But I doubt it is little more than irrelevant either way . Frankly, I disagree with this point . Imagining what could be, creating possible scenarios in your mind, false hopes and wishful thinking, anticipating something that will probably never happen, you will only end up hurting yourself . With that knowledge, the only thing left to deduce is whether or not you care if you get hurt . I have found that the best way for your feelings to be straightforward to you, is to be straightforward with your feelings . But of course, it depends on the situation . So don't take my word for it . Go hurt yourself and find out .

" The quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you find new cheese . "
Haha, I find this one amusing . How sad .. yet true ! Deal with it . And, we are back to second person again .

" It is safer to search in the maze than remain in a cheeseless situation . "
Ehh, I beg to differ . It is definitely arguable, but the definition of safety, of security, depends heavily on the bearer in mind . You can be perfectly safe by staying at home, but will you have fun ? I highly doubt it . Have fun, folks ! That, after all, is what life is all about . " Life should be anything but boring ... Life should be about following your dreams, about seeking your passions, about learning how to have fun . Life should be about you . No one is better at being you, than you are . Don't waste your talent . " ~ excerpt from Correspondence ~

" Old beliefs do not lead you to new cheese . "
Definitely a fact this time . Old beliefs, so long as they are different from your current beliefs, may lead you to different cheese ... But in order to find new cheese, you must discover something new, on your own, of your own, for your own, something no one else has discovered ever before . We create our own luck ! Take a chance .. and Why am I sounding so reckless these days ? Oh well .. I feel healthier than usual .

" When you see that you can find and enjoy new cheese, you change course . "
Uhmm .. Err, sort of common sense there, sir . Why don't we stop being masters of the obvious, and make some real, true, separate observations ?

" Noticing small changes early helps you adapt to the bigger changes that are to come . "
Haha . Certainly true . But the main problem is, it is virtually and practically ( and humanly ) impossible to discern at the proper time, which ' small changes ' are genuine and which will never really matter ... There is always soo much change going on around us, it all just blends together into one massive whirlwind of confusion and disarray .

" Move with the cheese and enjoy it ! "
That's right . Now ..

This has been life lessons in the form of bizarre, yet oddly effectual metaphors . I hope you have enjoyed yourself, and will take into account the otherwise pointless, useless, empty words and their futile attempts to knock some sense into at least a few people's mindsets .

a handful of random rants on the world, collected over the past few weeks or so

Sadies was fairly uneventful ..
Well, at least it wasn't the worst dance I've ever been to .
Or maybe it was ..
But I have gotten so used to pain,
I have forgotten what else lies beyond .

I have forgotten how to cry .
No matter how hard I try,
it just doesn't work anymore .

I have gotten myself into the mindset that,
whoever it is I am going to spend my life with,
I have already met her .
And it scares me to think this might not
( and probably will not ) be true .
haha but change excites me, right ...

It's so unnerving, so discomforting,
so frustrating, so infuriating, so megagaltastic;
that I could always do it perfectly in practice,
but the one time it actually counts for anything,
I screw the whole thing up .

Fate is really testing my patience this time .

Nerves were an invention by fate,
to make people weaker and more susceptible to failure .
Fate has to get its way somehow .

If the human race were to have a climax,
it will probably be at some point in our lifetimes .
Everything is growing so rapidly these days,
it is only a matter of time
before it all blows up in our faces .

Some people believe war is the absence of peace .
I believe peace is the absence of war .
So, in order to achieve world peace ?
We don't need to make peace !
No, we need to take back war .
I am fairly proud of myself for this point .

Fate .. Destiny ..
I don't believe that they necessarily
have a hand in everything;
but they definitely play a major part
in the whole determination thing ...

I cannot commit .. It is too simple .
I am masochistic .. I need it to be hard .

It doesn't matter what you say .
It matters what you mean .
But no one else knows what you mean to say ...
So say what you mean, and mean what you say ..
and then they will understand that you matter after all .

" This, too, shall pass . "

" It can't be helped . "

Four words are all you need,
to feel better about yourself .

Catching up on the holidays ..
( again, haha .. I am such a cheater .
( but at least now you know I didn't forget ..
( I just don't care quite enough to get you anything,
( besides this XD ) :
fe06 . kass .
fe10 . SADance .. more fun than WtFormal .
fe11 . taylor .
fe14 . SADay .. don't remind me ..
fe15 . maria .
fe17 . sean . and OA Idol .. that was fun .
fe19 . lokesha . and President's Day ! hooray .
( grrr .. I know I missed a few .
( but I don't wana guess, sorry . )

I need a break, from life ...

falling apart .. falling asleep .. falling in love .. always falling .. ever falling .. falling .. falling ..

yet never hitting rock bottom ..
part of me wishes I wowuld,
so I could start to climb again .

Happy Pi Day, folks .

It is times like these I recognize how much I hat3 people .
Not you
just people in genearal .

Where is my heart ? I feel like it has left me ...
So empty inside .. Oh Gahd ..
I would rather feel pain than nothing at all ..
She has a grip on it
Frikin ay .. dea7h grip
It can hardly pumpppppp
Bu m bum
Bum mbum
i can hardllyy think

anmyore

IO don't care any more ..
And it ki||s me to know that

I would say
I want you to let gogo
but i ..
There is no energyy left in me
to give a d4mn .

M y judgment has is delpleted
I don't know ho who I am m

anymore

too apathetic to to ytpe rightt
too tired
too lazyy to edit it

I don't know who I am
anymore

Beware the Ides of March .

[ It's not me ..
it 's the secret that never grows old ]

ease the pain i feel for you today

" Repercussions of an Illness Undefined "
( Part Five of a Secret that Never Grows Old )
[ from the fifth night of February ]

I feel sick to my stomach
I told her, I don't think I should go to school today
I feel about to plummet
I told her, I don't think I should do my chores today
My head is spinning
I told her, I don't believe I slept a wink last night
My ears are ringing
And pounding, never guna give me a minute's break
My eyes are red, the tears are shed
My feet ache, I can barely walk
My throat is hoarse, I can hardly talk
Like the sound of screeching chalk
It is hard to lift my arms
I am so congested, indigestion, heartburn
It hurts to move at all
I think I sense internal bleeding
I will be needing some assistance
Or maybe just a good full hour of sleep

Worse in the morning
When I'm older, I know I'll find a cure to all of this
Tossing and turning
Getting colder, I know there's something more to all of this
I feel horrible
Horrible
But it all means nothing
Compared to the pain
I feel for you today
And I told her, I don't think I should talk to you today
With every word, it only worsens the pain
I feel for you today
But you insisted, or maybe I just like to think it's that way
I don't look at it as heartbreak, but another chance
It's horrible
Horrible
I wish I could see that it's nothing
Only another one of those passing hopes
A whim, a few loose dreams
Emotion gone astray
There's nothing more to say to you
I've said it all, but still there's something 1ingering
Fluttering away, a thought
A whim, a few loose dreams
I'm on my way to nothing but yet another failure
I wish you would care
Could ease the pain
I feel for you today

" Pain is weakness leaving the body . "
True that !!
I must be pretty strong by now, then .

because i'm too much, too much, too much

" Too Much in Love ( It's Nice ) "
[ Part Four of a Secret that Never Grows Old ]
by Ghostbust
( approx . 2:45; from the 30th night of January )

It's nice to hear you don't care
It's nice to hear you wish I would go away
It's nice to know you're angry
It's nice to see you're remaining calm
It's nice to hear you're fed up
It's nice to know you still want to be friends
But I have to hat3 you more than you hat3 me
Because I'm too much in love with you

Sometimes I get the feeling, we really were meant to be
But I know that it would probably be better
If I tried to let go of what's tying me down
For you and me both
And I try to keep my mind off you
To think of anything else but your heavenly heart
And look, I'm doing it again
But it's not my fault
It's the secret that never grows old

You've said that already
You've told me you forgive me
You've mentioned you'll try to forget
But you don't have to act like you care
You don't have to pretend you like me
You can stop asking me how I am doing
I know I need to hat3 you more than you hat3 me
Because I'm too much in love with you

Said I have to hat3 you more than you hat3 me
Because I'm too much, too much, too much
I'm too much in love with you
Yeah, I'm too much in love with you

It's nice to hear you've moved on
It's nice to know you don't expect much from me

" ' To us it's very far from clear
The reasons for our being here . '
' We'd leave at once, but do not know
We've any place where we might go . ' "
~ The Headless Bust by Edward Gorey ~

another nuance wavering in my voice

" Disconsolation of a Maddening Divinity "
( Part Three of a Secret that Never Grows Old )
[ from the 29th afternoon of January ]

The first time I loved you, at first it was divine
I felt in my heart, I wanted you to be mine
It felt right, it felt the way love is supposed to feel
I saw the opportunity, something came up
Someone stood in between us
And I guess I'll never know whether you felt the same way too
I tried to move on, to forget this ever happened
I worked hard, talk to me
How was your day ? My heart dropped 24 inches today
Oh, splendid
Sarcasm, undeniably
Voices in my head
I found another, a beauty queen catalyst, helped me on my way
She had a list too, of choices I could make with my arms tied
Turns out, nothing ever works out my way
Highway, never quite developed it right
We had a fight
Are you joking ? One after another, care after another
We had a talk
Are you choking ? I know I am, on your words
Can't explain the way it pleasantly hurts
Live, in the moment
Die, in the moment
Got to keep a little eye out for your woman
I know, I've heard this all before, learned this all before
That love is something that just never, ever seems to work
Too close for comfort, nothing lasts forever
The placebo effect, mind over matter
Caught up, in your love, in everything about you
I tried, once again, to escape
But I just can't be without you, live without your trust
Convinced, although my ego is minced
I can't go on not loving you
Trust me, I'll trust you
Be here, I'll be there
But there's a little thing called cooperation
A simple operation, but you never could get it quite right
So I'll take this chance, this glance
I'll take this dance, another nuance wavering
In my voice, another nuisance in my bed
I never imagined life would be anything like this
This way, so hard to manage
Wanted to make it right with you
But you refused
And now I sit and wallow
Cannot bear to swallow
My pride, my dignity
So I put it all into these words
So that you can comprehend
My disconsolation

" I'm not sure which was worse ..
living in the constant terr0r that I would be found out,
or living in the constant terr0r that I never would be . "
~ Mary-Margaret Carter ~

the urge to tell her the truth

( Part Two of a Secret that Never Grows Old )
[ from the 26th night of January ]

What do you do
when your dreams
keep leading you
back to her ?

What do you do
when your subconscious
will not listen ?

Why can you never
get over the fact
that it's over ?

Why do you hang
on the possibility
that it is not ?

How do you convince yourself
to let go ?

How do you resist
the urge to tell her
how you really feel ?

Why does she always
stand out
above the rest ?

How can you keep a secret,
when it is the very thing
tearing you apart ?

How can you let it out,
when you know it will only
ruin you once again ?

How do you describe
these feelings ?
How can you hold them in ?

How do you explain the way
you just know,
somehow it will work out ?

Why are you so confident,
when all the odds
are against you ?

How do you get her
to trust you,
when she has put all her trust
in him ?

How do you tell her
that you care,
without getting in the way ?

How do you talk about it ?
What can you confide ?

How do you ask for Help,
when you're not sure
who you can trust ?

" Something inside me still wants to do [ it ] ..
even though I complain a lot . "
~ Do you really want the recognition ? ~

i still derive that subtle pleasure from your words

" Confessions of a Fickle Friend "
( Part One of a Secret that Never Grows Old )
[ from the 26th night of January ]

I had secluded myself, had said I would stop,
would not get involved or push harder than I should have,
than you wanted to move .
I knew exactly what you did not want,
followed precisely as you led .
I remained detached, and I listened .
I was intent, was careful and cautious .
And yet I still felt shunned .
And when I opened up,
when I reverted to the old ways,
of confiding, of letting you know just how I felt;
when I talked to you, I still felt shunned .
And I realized I was hearing the same comments,
you were giving me the same advice .
I was hearing the same comments once again,
you were giving me the same old bits of advice .
And I found that nothing had changed .
Everything I thought was different, it was all the same .
Yes, we were speaking of someone else .
And yes, I definitely felt differently about her, about you .
But it is little more than four months later,
and I find myself in the same dilemma once again .
I find myself once again in the same dilemma .
Yes, I said I would move on, you said you would forgive and forget .
But I still derive that subtle pleasure from your words,
from the sound of your voice;
I still feel I should love you
no matter how many times you say I shouldn't .
I know now you are probably thinking I am a fool,
merely moving from one passing fantasy to another .
But what do you expect ?
What do you propose I can do about it ?
What would you do if you were in my shoes ?
I loved her whole-heartedly, I followed my morals .
I vowed I would never stop trying to make things right .
I paid attention, and yet I still felt shunned .
I did everything I could possibly do, to avoid looking foolish;
but as luck would have it, I always end up just as I am now :
lost and alone and loving you again .

" Some people say that eyes are a mirror to the soul .
When I looked in my eyes, all I saw was darkness . "
~ Mary-Margaret Carter ~

remember I a long forgotten verse

A Rhyming Poem, for My Buddy :
[ from yesterday ]

Make new friendships all you want
Meet them, greet them, learn their names
But soon enough you'll find them taunt
And with your mind play games

You may suppose that everything
Will turn out right if all you do
Is listen up; but you will see
You're bound to misconstrue

And even if you tell them how
You love them so, remind them of
Your loyalty, the here and now
Will undermine your love

Eventually they'll find a way
To twist your words, to justify
Their lies; and one day they will say
They find fault in your eyes

The pain you'll feel, you'll swear it's real
But probably there won't be words
Available for this ordeal
To say how much it hurts

You'll try to cover all this up
To somehow start your life anew
But the tea leaves in your teacup
Have fortune told untrue

You'll think you've made discoveries
Believe you finally have the answers
To this life's recovery
And finally some advances

But deep regrets will stab your back
And when you least expect it
Will unleash a surprise attack
And leave you misdirected

You'll know that love is no longer
Worth it, for after all it's true
That love is fake, a hat3monger
known by the name of me and you

There's more to love than me and you
Remember I a long forgotten verse
But all you have are two
So certainly it could be worse

Just listen, and don't you forget
That friendships die; all you can do
Is watch, and see your life upset
Look on as your relations skew

There's something I've forgotten
I am sure of it; oh yes, I wanted to
Tell, however ironic, how much
I am so in love with you

" I shouldn't judge you on what you did .
I should judge you on what you do . "
~ Reba ~

the claims of a guy who never learned to commit

[ What am I doing ?
Telling you the story of my life,
by way of a few clues at a time,
here and there, everywhere,
which, when pieced together rightly,
will hold the key to, most likely,
nothing more than another guilt trip .
Telling a story that could in no way
be summed up in one sentence,
without using an outstandingly annoying
surplus of commas to get some point across .

[ Why am I doing it ?
There is nothing else left to do .
There is no humanly possible way
that I can go on with my life
as I know it for any longer .
I have tried seeking advice .
Believe me, there is none .

[ OH . started yesterday ]

Seventeen months ago,
I found an answer to everything .
I found my missing piece,
my other half ..
potentially, at least .
If nothing else, I found a new friend .

For seventeen months,
I have tried .
For seventeen months,
I have continually failed, fallen to the ground ..
but always gotten right back up again .
If at first you don't succeed,
they say, try, try again .

For seventeen months,
I have wondered .
Wondered why nothing ever seemed to work out right .
Wondered whether I made the right choice when I told her the truth .
Wondered whether I should not have lied to her in the first place .
Wondered why I even met her in the first place .

For seventeen months,
I have fought in a constant struggle against fate .

In October,
I began walking the path .
The path to the cold, hard truth .
The path to neverending misery .
The path to the secrets,
the lies, the bitterness .
The path to denial,
brought on by deceiving, by misleading .

In November,
I kept it all to myself .
I really was not sure if this was what I wanted .
But I could not stop thinking about her
nevertheless .

In December,
I let it out .
I found an outlet .
I found someone who would eventually help me through this,
this pain, this aching love, and the hat3 that comes with it .

In January,
I saw a chance .
A glimmering hope .
A hope that would lose itself somewhere in the,
even then slowly winding, vines
that comprised my thoughts, my dreams .
Soon everyone knew my secrets .
Everyone but the one person who probably should have .

In February,
My wishes were shattered .
My bubble was burst,
and the regrets rushed upon me
in an unsurmountable torrent of misconstrued memories .
Messing with my own mind,
augmenting my own pain,
developing my own conflicts,
I panicked .
And I was driven to realize
the true meaning of a love-hat3 relationship .
I was reduced to stifling my anger, my frustration,
to stuffing it in a little box that still holds
the key to rediscovering my past .

In March,
I thought it was over .
I thought I could finally live in peace and harmony .
I thought I could start over .
I thought wrong .

In April,
I continued leading a long-blinded life,
never looking straight forward,
but never turning back .

In May,
I have no idea what I was doing ..
or thinking .
Not watching my back,
some long-expected, warily-awaited tragedy
snuck up behind me and pounced upon me
when it was the very last thing I needed .

In June,
I futilely attempted to somehow wrap up
all of the little subplots
that had joined me somewhere along the way .
I left the past behind me,
though I had a sneaking feeling in the back of my head
that I would revisit it, stumble back upon it,
at some point in the not-so-distant future .

In July,
something happened to me that I could never explain
in less than an infinite number of words .
I'll leave that part for you to figure out for yourself .

In August,
my subconscious sent me a message,
through faint but effectual dreams,
a message I did not think could result
in anything negative, ever .
A message that made me forget how to think twice .
And it would not be the last time I heard this message,
the last time I felt its repercussions
send me conveniently vague emotions,
incomprehensible beyond repair .

In September,
I thought I could end it all with a few words .
But they were misconceived as empty words,
as words that could find a better home
in some country halfway around the world,
and still make just as big an impact .
Truthfully, they were the words that define my life,
but that, for one reason or another,
I had and have always been hesitant to say .

In October,
I tried my best once again,
to convince myself that it was all over .
But now I know I was only fooling myself,
only postponing the inevitable truth .

In November,
I felt something different .
Something new, something unique .
Something amiss .

In December,
I opened up more .
I made new friends,
made new memories,
made new enemies,
made new rivalries,
made a new and extremely proficient
source of confusion for myself .

In January,
I finally realized
that she was not what I truly wanted .
But she was what I needed !
And still do need,
though I know the present odds convey
that it will never be a possibility ever again .

In February,
I second-guessed everything !
I decided I could never let myself be sure of myself,
for if I was, I would become full of myself .
I could never allow myself to follow my heart,
for if I did, I would lose sight of the opinion of my mind .
I decided the chances were slim
that I would ever be able to love again .
At least not like I loved, and still love, her .

Seventeen months .
Now do you believe me ?

I know the truth hurts .
But I have had to deal with it
for longer than you could plausibly imagine .

I seriously cannot imagine life without you .
I have considered telling you everything,
deciding what is the best,
but I know that would include telling you
that it would be best
if we never spoke again .

How do you move on,
when you have already come
to the end of the road ?

Seventeen would be a good place to stop,
if ever it were possible .

Maybe this is not love .
I only wish it were true ..
that maybe I have forgotten what love feels like .
that I wouldn't recognize it if it bxtch-slapped me ..
Or at least I don't know how I would .

But it is unfortunate
that no one cares enough to remind me .

" There is as much difference
between us and ourselves,
as between us and others . "
~ Michel de Montaigne ~

in the deepest, darkest corners of his heart

" A Little Thing ( Impossibilities ) "
by Ghostbust
( approx . 3:15 )

[ Intro ]
This is the story of a temper
so short it blew a fuse,
and of the man who had
never learned how to stop it .

[ Verse ]
He had the chance
He saw that there was something that he wanted
So he took a risk
Though he knew that all his life would be there watching
He ate his words
He had never felt soo humiliated

[ Bridge ]
He stumbled, and he crumbled to the dust
And though he must have tried his hardest
He thrust into the darkness

[ Hook ]
He felt the pain inside him
Never ever knew this strength was hiding
In the deepest, darkest corners of his heart
And he knew that if he waited
It would only become more anticipated
So he let it take control
Take control, take controol

[ Chorus ]
There's a little thing called anger
There's a little thing called bottled-up emotion
And it feels as if the ocean never felt so small before
Think as calmly as the shore
Calmly as the shoore

[ Reprise ]
A little thing called frustration
A little thing called misconstrued infuriation
And it feels as if vacation is impossible
But you are capable of impossibilities

[ Outro ]
Calmly as the shore
Lonely and alone
Like how it was before
Avoided and ignored
Calmly, lonely, avoided

[ A little bit of everything . ]

glorifying the underdogs; up to the center of attention .. and it wasn't worth it

I couldn't decide on one title, so I merged them .
The point is, I threw together a variety of things
I have been waiting to put somewhere .

*****

" My Schedule "
A Tidbit :

Dreaming of you all week .
Monday : Hoping something will change .
Tuesday : Wishing you will finally see .
Wednesday : Anticipating the inevitable .
Thursday : Looking for an answer .
Friday : Searching for the truth .
Saturday : Waiting on your trust .
Sunday : Dwelling on lost hopes .
Because it is all I can do .
Change is subjective .

*****

" Children need more m0dels than critics . "
~ El Dorado Inn ~

*****

A good friend accepts you the way you are .
A great friend accepts you when you aren't .

*****

I am coming have come to the end of the Picture Plethora, a.k.a. Getting it All Out a Little at a Time, in a Way You Can't Really Comprehend, but Which You Can Still Appreciate . And there is still a lot more where that came from .

*****

" If you don't do the work beforehand,
you can wish all you want,
but it isn't going to happen . "
~ Mssr . Hoshi ~

*****

I said to myself :
' You always thought the obstacle was him .
Maybe the obstacle is her . '
And I finally recognized the truth .

*****

" If we can't live together, we're guna die alone . "
~ Jack Shepherd, LOST ~

*****

" Sometimes the system goes on the brink,
and the whole thing turns out wrong .
You might not make it back, and you know
that you could be, well, oh that strong ..
And I'm not wrong . "
~ Bad Day - Daniel Powter ~
( I think you should know that by now . )

*****

In order to truly love, you need to feel it in your heart and in your mind .
In order to stop loving, the one needs to overpower the other .
My heart is stronger, but my mind is smarter .
I have driven myself to hat3 her .
I have found that I am attracted to change .
Some people are afraid of change, but I welcome it !
My life is always so miserable, it can only get better .
And besides, if nothing ever changed, it would all get really boring .

( I put these two sets of four together as one of eight,
because I thought it was cool how the lines form an anvil .
AHahaha oyyye .. where ever has my life gone off to ? )