i still derive that subtle pleasure from your words

" Confessions of a Fickle Friend "
( Part One of a Secret that Never Grows Old )
[ from the 26th night of January ]

I had secluded myself, had said I would stop,
would not get involved or push harder than I should have,
than you wanted to move .
I knew exactly what you did not want,
followed precisely as you led .
I remained detached, and I listened .
I was intent, was careful and cautious .
And yet I still felt shunned .
And when I opened up,
when I reverted to the old ways,
of confiding, of letting you know just how I felt;
when I talked to you, I still felt shunned .
And I realized I was hearing the same comments,
you were giving me the same advice .
I was hearing the same comments once again,
you were giving me the same old bits of advice .
And I found that nothing had changed .
Everything I thought was different, it was all the same .
Yes, we were speaking of someone else .
And yes, I definitely felt differently about her, about you .
But it is little more than four months later,
and I find myself in the same dilemma once again .
I find myself once again in the same dilemma .
Yes, I said I would move on, you said you would forgive and forget .
But I still derive that subtle pleasure from your words,
from the sound of your voice;
I still feel I should love you
no matter how many times you say I shouldn't .
I know now you are probably thinking I am a fool,
merely moving from one passing fantasy to another .
But what do you expect ?
What do you propose I can do about it ?
What would you do if you were in my shoes ?
I loved her whole-heartedly, I followed my morals .
I vowed I would never stop trying to make things right .
I paid attention, and yet I still felt shunned .
I did everything I could possibly do, to avoid looking foolish;
but as luck would have it, I always end up just as I am now :
lost and alone and loving you again .

" Some people say that eyes are a mirror to the soul .
When I looked in my eyes, all I saw was darkness . "
~ Mary-Margaret Carter ~