another nuance wavering in my voice

" Disconsolation of a Maddening Divinity "
( Part Three of a Secret that Never Grows Old )
[ from the 29th afternoon of January ]

The first time I loved you, at first it was divine
I felt in my heart, I wanted you to be mine
It felt right, it felt the way love is supposed to feel
I saw the opportunity, something came up
Someone stood in between us
And I guess I'll never know whether you felt the same way too
I tried to move on, to forget this ever happened
I worked hard, talk to me
How was your day ? My heart dropped 24 inches today
Oh, splendid
Sarcasm, undeniably
Voices in my head
I found another, a beauty queen catalyst, helped me on my way
She had a list too, of choices I could make with my arms tied
Turns out, nothing ever works out my way
Highway, never quite developed it right
We had a fight
Are you joking ? One after another, care after another
We had a talk
Are you choking ? I know I am, on your words
Can't explain the way it pleasantly hurts
Live, in the moment
Die, in the moment
Got to keep a little eye out for your woman
I know, I've heard this all before, learned this all before
That love is something that just never, ever seems to work
Too close for comfort, nothing lasts forever
The placebo effect, mind over matter
Caught up, in your love, in everything about you
I tried, once again, to escape
But I just can't be without you, live without your trust
Convinced, although my ego is minced
I can't go on not loving you
Trust me, I'll trust you
Be here, I'll be there
But there's a little thing called cooperation
A simple operation, but you never could get it quite right
So I'll take this chance, this glance
I'll take this dance, another nuance wavering
In my voice, another nuisance in my bed
I never imagined life would be anything like this
This way, so hard to manage
Wanted to make it right with you
But you refused
And now I sit and wallow
Cannot bear to swallow
My pride, my dignity
So I put it all into these words
So that you can comprehend
My disconsolation

" I'm not sure which was worse ..
living in the constant terr0r that I would be found out,
or living in the constant terr0r that I never would be . "
~ Mary-Margaret Carter ~