a shortcut to destruction

" Pick Your Poison " Picture Plethora :
The Seventh Helping [ from yesterday ]

1000 .
1000 dea7hs . More specifically,
1000 suic1des .
1000 times he has k1lled himself .
1000 .

He finally made that milestone,
that one last desperate measure .
He finally had his one last cry .
Or at least he thought so .

He had tried to brush it off,
to act like this was nothing more
than just another one of those everyday problems .
He had tried to forgive and forget,
and he had failed .

And he had a feeling she had as well .

And yet when he finally surrendered
to the forces of nature,
to the ties that had held him down,
bound him in place, for all that time,
he found it no less futile than his previous attempts .

He had tried a different approach this time,
he had tried not to bother her with his trifling emotions .
And they ended up being too much for him to handle .

No matter how much he pretended not to care,
he knew he would not, could not, ever stop caring .
And he had come to accept that this is the way it had to be .

No matter how much he tried to make sense,
to work these things out,
to untangle the knots that had stifled the rope of his life,
he always found that he had only been making them tighter .

And no matter how much he let out,
there was still so much more he had yet to tell,
so much more he kept bottled up inside,
because there was never enough time
to tell her everything he felt for her .

And no matter how much he tried to divert the pain,
he could not help but continually turn this into a love story .

And no matter how much he ha7ed himself,
he continued to act as if nothing had ever gone wrong .

And no matter how long he went on about it,
he could not stop saying the same exact things .

And no matter how many times he thought he had started over,
he found that he was still on the same path
he had walked from the beginning .

And he had started over, over and over and over and over
and over and over and over and over and over and over
again .

Maybe he could not persuade himself to stop trying .
Maybe they were unknowingly egging him on,
with their words, with their actions, with the way they look at him .

Maybe they were responsible for another 9,682 of his dea7hs .
( A whole nine more than last time ! )
Maybe they should reconsider what they mean to him .

The man with no fears is a foolhardy one .

confusion of an abandoned heart

" Pick Your Poison " Picture Plethora :
The Sixth Helping [ from yesterday ]

I have realized that lately perhaps I have desired too much .
I suppose the picture's claim is correct .
If I want to be noticed, I need to simmer down a bit .
Though this still seems to go against logic to me,
which is probably why I never considered it in the first place .
I am sorry this is not a poem this time .
But the picture is ! And by my sister Corinne .
Yes, the talented one . ( In fact, I am listening to her singing
right now . Soo soothing ... )
I don't know if you could call it a poem,
seeing as it only consists of one line,
but she entered it in a poetry contest so that is what I will call it .
I will write another poem very soon .
Do you even like my poetry ?
It would be nice to have some input every once in a while .
Perhaps I am blind to what I have been doing wrong all along .
Perhaps I do not realize that I can greatly improve,
that there is a much better way .
Perhaps I am only looked down upon because I am different,
and to change my ways would be
to change the future of worldly point of view .
Perhaps I should find a better friend than parallelism .
Perhaps I should learn more .
Going off the title of the blog,
I will actually begin to study religion and its surrounding concepts
around the middle of March .
I wonder if anyone really follows me ?
Regardless, I will continue writing .
All this must be doing something to stimulate my brain cells .
And I will look back on it all in a few years, and I will reminisce,
and I will extract those original thoughts from the many, many pages
of seemingly meaningless words, and I will utilize them !
And the greater good will never have been put to better use .
Did you notice something ? I know I just did .
For the first time in a long time,
I desired nothing throughout the entire post .
At least not from you ...

Nothing these days is spontaneous .
Because I can't trust myself to save myself in time .
CAH !!

The first cut was pretty deep .
The second cut was deeper .
I saw the third one coming,
and by now there is nothing left to cut .

It's a song .
Or it was, before I changed it .

Living in the shadows of your deepest regrets,
you realize how much irony has gone to waste .

just another method of losing points

" Pick Your Poison " Picture Plethora :
The Fifth Helping [ actually, from today ! ]

999 .
999 dea7hs . More specifically,
999 suic1des .
999 times he has k1lled himself .
999 .

Why ?

Maybe his life had become too much to handle .
Maybe his friends had turned against him .
Maybe, when he mentioned suic1de, no one had seemed to care .
Maybe no one had ever seemed to care in the first place .
Maybe he had finally discovered the truth .

Maybe it was his fault .
Maybe he had made a mistake .
Maybe he had missed his chance .
Maybe his life had lost its purpose .
Maybe it had never had one .

Maybe he had a problem .
Maybe there was something wrong with him .
Maybe their hatred for him had caused him to overanalyze himself .
Maybe that fact had made them hat3 him even more .
Maybe he had overanalyzed them too much .

Maybe they had never truly cared about him .
Maybe they hadn't appreciated him .
Maybe they hadn't listened to him .
Maybe they hadn't been honest with him .
Maybe they hadn't paid attention to him .
Maybe they hadn't noticed him at all .

Regardless of the reason ...
in order to die 999 times,
he would have to have 999 lives .
Which means he always got another chance .

Maybe he didn't want another chance .

Maybe, when he started over, when he tried it all over again,
he still made the same mistakes .
Maybe they still treated him the same way .
Maybe he still regretted ever meeting them .

But then again,
maybe he still wondered what he would do without them .

Maybe he was sorry .

No doubt he is now faced with the same problems once again,
never able to escape the power of these emotions,
never able to bate his breath for long enough .
And how will he escape them this time ?

When Life has abandoned you,
when its journey has brought you to a end,
has forced you to lose sight of all that was once exciting,
Dea7h is the only adventure left .

Maybe he could not persuade himself to stop trying .
Maybe they were unknowingly egging him on,
with their words, with their actions, with the way they look at him .

Maybe they were responsible for another 9,673 of his dea7hs .
Maybe they should reconsider what they mean to him .

Parallel structure is my best friend .

eternity is too long to stay away

" Pick Your Poison " Picture Plethora :
The Fourth Helping [ from the 15th of February ]

If only it were that easy !
If only I only had that many problems in the first place !
If only I could just press a button, and have all my problems fixed for me .
If only I could just hide all the details that are eating me apart .
If only I could simply close a window, when a part of my life becomes too much to handle .
If only I could wait long enough to fix anything at all .
If only I could let it go !!!
If only I could stop being soo obvious ..
Even when I need to keep it secret the very most, I seem to have lost the capacity to cover it all up .
If only you would ..
Well, don't get me started on that part .
If only III ay ay could go on forever ..
** I could go on forever !!
If only I had for ever ..
But then I'll bet I would drive myself insane,
because eternity is too long to stay away .
' If only ' .. what a cliche` .. and yet it is still profoundly effective .
If only I could stop all of this ?
If only I could start it over !
If only you would let me .
If only you would listen .
If only you would cooperate .
If only you would trust me .
If only you would forgive and forget .
If only I could do the same !
If only I could stop myself from getting started on that part .
If only you were not soo .. YOU .
Or maybe I shouldn't be soo ME ?
If only I could take it easy on the exclamation points .
But there are just so many points of exclamation .
If only there weren't ...
Aye . Yo siempre te querre`, y creo que lo conoces tambie`n .
If only I could speak one language at a time .
If only I could .. uhm .
If only I could keep my train of thought .
If only I could concentrate .
If only I could focus .
If only I could not be so redundant .
If only I could not ramble so much ?
If only it only were only you .
If only I could make a bit more sense .
If only I were not so mysterious . ( It's true, after all ! )
If only I could not be quite so parallel, all the time .
And yet I believe it helps, somehow .

' If only, if only, ' the woodpecker sighs,
' the bark on the trees was as soft as the skies . '
While the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely,
he cries to the moon, ' if only, if only . '

a complicated relationship

" Pick Your Poison " Picture Plethora :
The Third Helping [ from the 14th of February ]

What am I doing ?
Dwelling on the past ?
You could call it that .
I like to call it editing before publishing .. although it is not, really, at all .

Just like me, when asked for a picture, to provide one made up of words . This is a portion of an actual e-mail that was actually e-mailed to a person who actually exists, at least to the extent of my knowledge . He ( or she, depending upon the gender of the recipient ) will probably recognize these words if he ( or she ) reads this post and thinks for a moment to himself ( or herself ) about where it might have come from . Or if he ( or she ) just checks the date at the top . ( Duh . ) One of the two . No more parentheses ! The many straws to the left indicate the complex history behind this message .

There are many things that must be done in secret . There come those times when you know something you don't want certain people to know, but which you need to tell someone before it eats you apart . This is where trust comes in . It helps considerably if you have people you can trust to listen to you, and to do what they have to in order to keep your trust . It is a two-way street, people . And thank you for staying to your side of the road .

Don't cry until you have failed .

a few lost hopes and a broken halo

" Pick Your Poison " Picture Plethora :
The Second Helping [ from the 30th of January ]

There are always places you cannot go, the Forb1dden ( which just so happens to be another Error, I believe 405 ) . There are memories that have been lost, secrets that have been forgotten in the winding, twisting paths of time . And when I go back, when I try to take one last look at what has been holding me back in the first place for all these months, I find to my dismay that it is lost as such . And there is nothing I can do about it . When everyone I used to see as relatively important in my life has gone against me, people to whom I held high standards, to whom I looked up; there seems to be nothing I can do, but sit and mope, and cry about it, and wonder how I came to trust them at all in the first place . But then I notice my one way out : a tiny, softly shimmering light in the corner . My one last hope, the one faithful optimism that gets me through each day . The ability to start over . And I have taken advantage of it, time and time again . But now the vines of complication, the ethics of confusion, are so deeply twisted and knotted that the light has been filtered out, shrouded, and I see no way out other than the same way I got into this mess . And that way, that path, will be rough and dirty, rugged .. At times too slow for me, at others too fast for others . That path will be like nothing I have been through ever before . That path will take a lot of guts, and a lot of support . That path will often seem almost unsurmountable, will leave me face-down in the gutter with nothing to live on but a few lost hopes and a broken halo . That path will leave me heartbroken, will strike me down when all I ever wanted to do was make you happy . That path will throw it all in my face, will try to tell me that everything I have learned to live for over the prime years of my conscious life is based on nothing more than a sequence of dreams, lucidity long ago lost in translation . That path will never forgive nor forget, and I can see no way out of this situation . There is no real solution, but to stand tall, suck it all up, and look her straight in the eye, facing the consequences, swallowing my pride along with the repercussions of an illness undefined ( which just so happens to be the title of a poem I have written that I have not yet released for reasons as of yet kept unsaid ) .

LOST !! There is so much I have lost, so much I will never find again . And so much I never really had in the first place . And it k1lls me knowing that there is something missing, and not being able to retrieve it . The tip of the tongue is a precarious location .

And so, the plot thickens ...
Losing hope, I begin to lose interest .
And I begin to wonder what friendship really means .

And I begin to realize how pointless all this is; how much, when I think about it, none of it really seems to matter .
And I begin to recognize that apathy cancels out misery .

And I continue on my endless epic, my neverending quest to attain something capable of preoccupying me .

There was something I wanted to tell you, but it seems to have slipped my mind .
How convenient !!

the most devi1ishly maddening emotion encounterable

A lull in the excitement of life . And so begins the " Pick your Poison " Picture Plethora .. yet even more P's . Hooray ! And without warning ? No ma'am . If you had paid attention, you would notice I had warned you .

Maybe it will not be a significant lot of pictures compared to some blogs ', but seeing as I never have any, I thought I would put up these I'd been saving, all at once .

Here is the First Helping [ from the 23rd of January ] :

We begin with an image of an eye, as you can see . If you cannot, then you might should consider getting yours checked . I admit that this is not my picture, and I apologize but I have forgotten where it came from . Since it does not show up on Google's image search, I assume it does not matter too significantly . The image, when I found it, was entitled " olho roxo . " This means, in Portuguese, purple eye . Fitting, I think . Purple, also known as violet, is formed by mixing blue and red . According to my rainbow metaphor, blue symbolizes happiness and red shows anger . Mix the two, and you get confusion . In another sense, a rare one at that, Purple is apparently a family name . I would like to see that guy .. Show me a guy named Purple, and I will show you .. er .. something else ? Moving on . Portuguese, by the way, is a truly astounding language . Stupendous ! That is what language should sound like, ideally . Soft and smooth, and romantic . Incidentally, just the way I like my grrls .. jPlaying . CONFUSION ! o . mai . gahhh .. Besides being a just-as-annoying attack in Poke`mon, it is one of the most devi1ishly maddening emotions encounterable . EH ...

That is all I have to say at the moment .
Sorry, it's just I'm a bit confused about all this ..

More ... The eyes can convey a mucho lot about how a person is feeling . And looking into someone's eyes can convey a whole lot about how you are feeling . Keep a steady, friendly line of sight with someone else's eyes, and a moment will pass when each of you wonders what the other is thinking, and a feeling will elate you both that is often too confusing to put into any words . Phew ..

Point in case ?
I thought it was a pretty picture .
( But of course, I couldn't put it up here all by itself ..
so I give it some words to accompany . )
:D

considering insubordination

Too many times I have sat,
thinking of something to say,
looking for some excuse to talk to you .
Too many times I have had one,
but the opportunity just passed me right by .
Too many times you were right there,
but I just couldn't find the strength to stop .
Too many days have gone by without the comfort of your voice .
Too many words have gone unspoken .
Too many conversations have gone to waste .
Too many glances have lost their substance .
Too many smiles have been misdirected .
Too many morals have been misguided .
Too many thoughts have been pushed out of the way .
Too many meetings have been postponed .
Too many silences have been misinterpreted .
Too many hints have gone unnoticed .
Too many times you have ignored me .
Too many promises have been forgotten;
not broken, but even worse, lost in translation .
All I want is to have one normal day, with you as the epicentre .

my greatest fear

And now, to make up for it, a few words of my own :

I have been asked, what do I want to be when I grow up ? That a secret . Why ? Because it puts me in danger . Or because I don't know . One of the two .. Just like .. nevermind .

I have learned that a hug is the most effective way to touch someone, to exhibit your love .. and a smile comes in a close second place .

I have just realized that I am not the only one who really wants to see Chewy . Perhaps the only one who needs to prevent her from reading certain posts of his, at least until the time comes .. but nonetheless not the only one . It's refreshing !

There is a reason for everything .. or for nothing, I can't seem to recall which .

Life itself is only escapable by d347h, or briefly by sleep .

I have learned that nothing in this world is ever safe . EVER !!
And nothing is final, except d347h ( at least as far as we think ) .

My beliefs on fate ?
That there is nothing that has to happen,
only certain things that are supposed to happen .

Everything happens for a reason .
Did I say that already ?

My greatest fear is that I will finally get what I have always wanted, and will realize I really don't want it anymore .

a title nearly gone to waste

It's the seventeenth again .
And I realize, I don't really care so much anymore .
( It seems that way with a lot of things these days . )
But nevertheless, I have to do something .
So, here you are, with

A Collection of Quotes to Get You Through the Day :

" No good deed goes unpunished . "

" It's nice to be important,
but it's more important to be nice . "
~ BaG ~

" Strangers are just friends waiting to happen . "
~ PostSecret ~

" There is no time I feel more alive, than when my heart is breaking . "
~ PostSecret ~

" Every single person has at least one secret that would break your heart . If we could just remember this, I think there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world . "
~ guess who .. PostSecret ! ~

" The dearest profit is sometimes all too dear : that depends on the source . Do you understand me ? A fortune won is often misfortune . "
" Are you sure that it is my voice, and not your conscience ? ... It is not what I say, but what has been done, that hurts you . "
~ Sophocles 677 ~
" How dreadful it is when the right judge judges wrong ! "
" Your figures of speech may entertain you now, but .. you will get little profit from them in the end . "

^ Can you tell I loved this story ?

" What you can do and should do are not necessarily the same thing .
Sometimes what's done is done and should remain so . "
~ Ardagh 135 ~

The Unlikely Exploits .. subtext galore !! I love itt .
Thank you, Philip Ardagh .

" Failing to prepare, we prepare to fail . "
and " Always choose life . "
~ Valencia Inn ~

" Thank you for following your conscience . "

" Remember this above all ... No kind deed is ever wasted . "
~ Ardagh 135 ~

something just a little bit stronger

With Valentines ' Day come and gone once again, and nothing to show for it, I have decided to do something real this year . Or .. make something real, which could never be quite real enough before .

" Love Me Just Once "
A Fantasy by Siesta Lingo

The following is everything I ever wanted to say to you, but could never get the chance to .

I love you . I know the three words are used again and again . I know they can all take on a thousand different meanings, especially the one in the middle . I know it is often expressed alongside silly little things like food or material items, trifles . I know every little boy or grrl says it to their pet, ironically right before it dies, at which point they feel all their hopes and dreams have been shattered and they fear they will never feel such a strong emotion ever again . I know every awkward teenager says it when they first meet someone who genuinely likes them back, someone they can trust . I know I am living in a Hollywood world . I know that traditional, conditional love rarely lasts longer than a few short months before it is thrown away and quickly replaced by another .

But I also know that my love is different . My love keeps me up all night, wondering . My love holds me waiting for you, hoping . Hoping that you will soon finally understand, or at least see one day in the distant future, how much you truly mean to me . Hoping that you will recognize that I have something you could use, your missing piece . Hoping you will give me one more chance . Hoping you will realize that you belong in my arms . Let me hold you dearly, and I will never let you go . Not when push comes to shove, not when the world turns against you . Even when the sky turns dark and the stars burn out and all your worst fears and nightmares come back to haunt you, I will hold you close . I will drive away your worries and your strife, I will protect you from all of the unknown .

My love is unconditional . My love is a wish, a wish that you will love me back . A wish only you can grant . I wish you would notice me, would talk to me, would look into my eyes . I wish you would smile, would appreciate me, would give me a hug . Remember what you thought of me before you thought about it . Experience the pleasure of acting on a whim . Imagine how safe and secure, how warm, how right your body would feel cuddled up beside mine . Your hand in mine, interlocked gracefully . Give it a squeeze and I will only hold you tighter, closer . I could help you achieve what you have always wanted . I wish you would promise me you will always be there, I wish you could assure me you will stay always right by my side . I would be more than happy, ecstatic, elated, overjoyed if you would comply . I am prepared to enforce a commitment, to spend the rest of my life with you . But if you don't want to, I am fine with that too . Whatever makes you happy, whatever tickles your fancy .

But it would mean the world to me if you would love me just once . If you would take some time out just for me . If you would listen, savour my words, filter everyone else out . If you would stare into my eyes without hesitation, and see the world looking back at you . All I need is to know for one moment, is to have the knowledge that I have you here with me . All I need is one time to make the rest of my life worthwhile . One dance, one kiss, one walk to remember . One sunset, one fantasy, one dream . One moonlit meeting under the starry skies, shining their light through the filters of the trees . One romantic movie, one night out, one gift that will hopefully keep on giving . You may not want to listen to me right now, but please understand that all I want is you . It would mean the world to me if you would love me just once . Just let me paint a picture of your beautiful face, engrave your perfect features in my memory . Nothing else will ever matter if you never love me for who I am .

[ Disclaimer : Of course this is exaggeration at some parts . I have an overactive imagination . But if I told you that beforehand, the effect would diminish, and it would just not sound nearly as beautiful . So, please don't be angry . ]
[ Follow-up to disclaimer : An overactive imagination is right . I find myself eager, almost looking, for drama in my life, simply because it would make a good story . And the truth is, as I told you once, my dear, if you happen to remember, I don't really care what happens to me most of the time, so long as I get a good story out of it . ]

heart of darkness

It is nice to be able to recognize, now, when deep down I realize I need it most, that I do have friends . Friends to whom I can talk . Friends that make it all easier . Friends with whom it is a little harder . Friends who never tell me anything . Friends who always tell me everything . Friends who, at times, can tell what I am thinking, and of whom I know the same . Friends who aren't afraid to look over across the room and smile . Friends who think they should be afraid . Friends who begin to doubt themselves . Friends who don't hesitate to listen . Friends who know just what to say, and just when to say it . Friends who know how to comfort me . Friends who don't care anymore . Friends who still love me anyway . Friends who have learned never to give up . Friends who have realized that sometimes you have to . Friends with a different point of view, a different opinion on certain things . Friends who don't grow tired of the same thing over and over again, or at least try their best not to show that they are . Friends who aren't afraid to let their feelings show . Friends who tell it how it is, and know without having to ask that it won't be told again . Friends who remember to say hello . Friends who actually notice me . Friends who come to me first . Friends who know it is all their fault, and are proud of it too . Friends who not only compliment me, but mean it . Friends with nothing better to do . Friends with something better to do, and yet they still stay a while . Friends who don't forget about me . Friends who think of me first . Friends who wish me luck . Friends who really don't mind the silence . Friends with whom I actually feel at home . Friends who can see that I am uncomfortable, and actually do something about it . Friends who sincerely care . Friends who speak from their heart . Friends who speak from their mind . Friends who make each move carefully, strategically . Friends who act on a whim . Friends who proceed with caution . Friends who mind their boundaries . Friends who know they don't have to mind their own business . Friends who help me help them . Friends I didn't realize I had until I forced myself to think of them . Friends who inspire me . Friends without whom it would be much more difficult to live ... The only problem is, they are nothing more than friends . And then there are those who aren't so friendly .. But don't let me get into that .

[ What does the title mean ?
Err . You can judge that for yourself . ]

translating the phrase that pays

The original lyrics from "The Phrase that Pays" by The Academy Is,
to be translated several consecutive times
to show how random Google Translate can be ..
:
my eyes can't believe what they have seen. in the corner of your room, you've stockpiled millions of my memories. oh doctor, doctor, i must have gotten sick somehow. i'm going to ask you a series of questions and i want them answered on the spot right now. is it serious? i'm afraid it is. am i going to die? well son, death is going to catch up to all one day. but yours is coming quicker than ours, than ours.

mis ojos no pueden creer lo que han visto. en la esquina de tu sitio, has almacenado millones de mis memorias. doctor del oh, doctor, debo haber conseguido enfermo de alguna manera. voy a preguntarte que una serie de preguntas y de mí lo desea contestó sobre el terreno ahora. ¿es seria? estoy asustado que es. ¿soy el ir a morir? el hijo bien, va a coger hasta el un día. pero el tuyo está viniendo más aprisa que el nuestros, que el nuestros.

my eyes cannot think what they have seen. in the corner of your site, you have stored million my memories. doctor of oh, doctor, I must somehow have obtained ill. I go to preguntarte that a series of questions and me wishes it answered now on the land. is serious? I am scared that is. I am to go to die? the affluent son, is going to take until a day. but yours he is coming more fast than ours, that ours.

mis ojos no pueden pensar lo que han visto. en la esquina de tu sitio, has almacenado millón mis memorias. doctor del oh, doctor, debo haber obtenido de alguna manera Illinois. Voy al preguntarte a que una serie de preguntas y de mí los deseos él ahora contestó en la tierra. ¿es serio? Me asustan que es. ¿Debo ir a morir? el hijo afluente, va a tomar hasta un día. pero el tuyo él está viniendo más rápido que el nuestros, ese el nuestros.

my eyes cannot think what they have seen. in the corner of your site, you have stored million my memories. doctor of oh, doctor, I must have obtained Illinois somehow. I go to preguntarte to that a series of questions and me desires he now answered in the Earth. is serious? They scare to me that it is. I must go to die? the affluent son, is going to take until a day. but yours it is coming more express than ours, that ours.

mis ojos no pueden pensar lo que han visto. en la esquina de tu sitio, has almacenado millón mis memorias. doctor del oh, doctor, debo haber obtenido Illinois de alguna manera. Voy al preguntarte a ése una serie de preguntas y de mí los deseos que él ahora contestó en la tierra. ¿es serio? Asustan a mí que es. ¿Debo ir a morir? el hijo afluente, va a tomar hasta un día. pero el tuyo está viniendo más expreso que el nuestros, ese el nuestros.

my eyes cannot think what they have seen. in the corner of your site, you have stored million my memories. doctor of oh, doctor, I must somehow have obtained Illinois. I go to preguntarte to a that one series of questions and me desires that he now answered in the Earth. is serious? They scare me that she is. I must go to die? the affluent son, is going to take until a day. but yours more express is coming than ours, that ours.

I think I'll stop now .
A number of mistakes ..
How fob ! What more can I say ..

" I must have obtained Illinois somehow "
lmboo

Why'd I do it ?
Something like Le Fay .

to let the spirit river rise and run

I find it odd how, sometimes, I do not remember writing what I have written . I look at those scribbles on the page, and it takes me a moment to realize that those words, those thoughts, have come from me . It is as if they come not from the surface, but from something underneath, from somewhere deep inside of me; and sometimes they simply flow, with little thought .. they just expose themselves . I am merely an outlet, a manner, for my subconscious, of speaking indirectly .. through me . It tells me what to do, and I do it . It makes the ideas, I am merely the messenger . Or at least, that is what Ze Frank says .. my inspiration, my hero . But I like to think that my subconscious is part of me, belongs to me . It could not do much of anything without me . Though, when the rest of the world has gone awry and I have nothing else to comfort me, it feels good to let go, to be detached, and to let the spirit river rise and run .

And also, to give to you a few quotes to ponder on, so I can relax .

" Make friends before you need them . " and
" A friend walks in when everyone else walks out . "
~ El Dorado Inn ~

" I create such drama in this world . "
You've got that right .

" It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times,
it was the times of my life . " and
" Songs are easy, voices aren't . "
~ A . Idol ~

Everyone has the vocabulary .
Writing is just a matter of figuring out
which words fit well together .

I always want what I cannot have .

" The road to heaven shouldn't be he11 . "
~ a billboard ~

Soo many great shows on TV now ..
24
Lost
Heroes
The O.C.
Prison Break
I watched Prison Break : The Path to Freedom .
Interesting, indeed ..

and now, something i wrote without looking

My eyes shut tight
Not a thing to see
Left with nothing but this music
The sounds in the istance
And thoughts of you and me
There's something I've been wanting to tell you
But never had the guts
Is it guts ? An acronym for " get us to safety " ..
A useful one at that ..
Not seeing what I have written thus far, my mind is gradually losing track
Track of where my train thought is heading
Track of where the words are on the creen
Track of what everything means ..
My eyes, a pain to keep them closed
They twitch and flitter
Eyelids are a conundrum
And now I realize that sight is quite a valuable asset
The black turns to green, and hints of the others
nd it all looks staticy [ not a typo, although it is not a real word either ], the absence of the power of this sense ..
I should be glad for what I have
I am so lost, so spinning
Misguided, undirected
I have no idea what is going on
But then again, do I ever ?
Even with my eyes open, everything passes me by
All of the important ppparts, I just miss them
They breeze right by, go with the flow
I have learned that the flow is something you have to know
You may or may not want to be in it
But nevertheless, you must know where it is
Liike my feelings for you
Although I may want to, I know I shouldn't listen to them
But either way, I need to know what they mean to me
What they mean to the both of us
Inaccurately calculating how far I have gone
I hope that there is some rhythm to these words
Invisible, I lose the power that I once had
I am thankful for the home keys
And the little bumps upon them
I wonder how many typological errors I have m ade
( Tjat is short for typo, in case you didn't know .. )
Err ..
It is hard to tell, I lose ount of how many times I have pressed the Backspace key
But I hope I am somewhere near the target
I hope I have not gone too far over the limit
The limit ? What's that ?
Never head of it ..
Someone calls my name, but I cannot reply effectively
A call on the phone ? I don't think I can take that
But I will try anyway
My eyes are getting tired
Ironic, it seems they would be more comfortable closed
But they are just so feisty, the won't stand still
Sort of like you and your hyper stage
What am I saying ? I know it is invaluable
No matter what I try, you will always feel the same
This is all so pointless
And yet there is nothing else I can do
The best idea would be to ignore
To ignore is a conundrum
Vocabulary seems to be stunted without sight of my poition
Although I have not used " stunted " as of yet
* Even though
I suppose I will change that later .
It is a little too late to go back now,
I do not remember my words
And evenif I did, I would not have the energy ( or the willpower, for goodness' sake ) to go back and count them
Aye .. Oye .. Words are all alike
Not much to say
Why am I even doinng this ?
I will try it again later, and give it a purpose
And perhaps some intent, like Handson suggested
Music is pretty awesome
Wait .. a conversation interruption
And now I ompletely forgot where I was
And I do not feel like really racking my brain at the moment
I find it amazing that I can find the buttons on the phone without looking at or for them
This is becoming regrettable
Well, not really ..
But I wish there were something tolive for
I hpoe I do not go blind ..
It is really bad for the writing
It would be extremely difficult to edit
I would have to always type, or write extremely neatly
Because someone else would have to read it out to me, myself not being capable
Hey ! I would not be able to read .. Or else I would have to order everything n Braille ..
Gahh .. how annoying that would be

Good-bye !!
Amores, as always ..

*****
Eyes open !!
And, back to Verdana ! Lawl, yaya .
I wonder how that happened ..
Ok so, total number of typos : 18 I think ..
Darn, soo close ! What luck ..
I wonder, what does that mean ?
Keep off 17 for a while, it says .

But what does this show ?
That even when I cannot think,
I always think of you .

[ And that no matter what font it looks like while writing it,
it always switches to Verdana anyway;
so I might as well not bother . ]

something else i wrote without thinking, with a good chance of not making any sense either

" Then there was the guilt ...
there is always guilt :
guilt at what one should have said and done
but never got around to saying or doing ...
and now it was too late . "
~ Ardagh 26-7 ~

It's February again .
And I apologize for not keeping up with the holidays, as usual ..
But here they are now :
ja15 . DMLKJ day ! happy .
ja15 . gioino .
ja16 . milly .
ja17 . I mean ..
ja20 . WtF was ohkay .. last year's was more fun ! wait ..
ja22 . atheeena .
ja26 . n07 roller disco .. but AG was fun fun . talent !
ja27 . I missed SC .. but BusAd project was fun .. fun ..

I believe, I have lost my momentum ..
Let's-a GO ! MariO . Amn't I smart ?

I watched The Vanishing ..
An old movie . and verryy, interesting ..
The beginning was absurd .
The middle was ME !
And the ending was abnormal .
You'll just have to see for yourself .

I've noticed, I have a tendency
to not read something if it looks too long ..
ahah maybe that's just me but,
eh . I should prolly try to stop it

It felt different before I really knew you .
The mystery made you more enticing .

You have taken away the purpose of my life .
I have no choice now, I am forced to live a lie .
Again .